Reflections of 2009

In 2009,

I learnt about love. Love does not mean there will be reciprocity at times. Love hurts more than without it at times too. I fell in love with someone dat I knew it to be so wrong from the beginning. The lessons it had taught me nv ever to venture out of God's boundaries are far more valuable to me tis day. Love... God's love is unending despite I hurt Him ever so often. Human love... Frens are angels sent by God to allow u to move thru life easier..

I learnt about courage. The courage to move on despite how difficult it may seem. Not just in my own life. But in the lives of others. Tis yr, my fren's marriages are breaking apart... But despite that, God nv fails to give them the courage to face it all. Yes, tears flowed, hearts r broken... But seeing them faced it all meant to me more than anything else. I am jus privileged to ride thru the storms with them.

I learnt about letting go. Letting go is perhaps the hardest thing I ever have to face. But I did. I learnt that keeping the memories locked up in a part of the heart and giving blessings to others r more meaningful than just dwelling at things which is impossible. Now, i managed a smile whenever the memories came flooding by but it will not stop me from stepping out.

I learnt about the meaning of money. Once, i was persecuted by the one I loved as being ignorant and unwise in managing finances. Little by little, i realized that money cannot make the world go round but it can assist in some ways to lessen the sufferings u faced daily. I am just hoping for nxt yr, i can manage my finances more wisely and in time to come, begin to use it to fulfill the dreams of my life.

All in all, yr 2009 was not a good yr for me but I thanked God for His everlasting love and patience towards a rebellious me.. I believed that 2010 will be a better yr ahead and of cos, more lessons learnt... hopefully happier ones.. :)

Into the 3rd week

THis is the 3rd week of my new job. Faced with an extremely stress situation today wif the customer... Well, more of like maybe jus internal team. How do I lead them to finish what they have agreed to ? How do I lead such a big team ? Today, I started to feel I enjoyed talking more to the engineers rather than to my own team. But Im no longer an engineer... I need to be able to get out of my Engineer shell and starts learning how to lead them being the Program person...

In program management, it is really abt customer service and working as a team internally. This is the first time I start to think that those customer service officer are not really having it easy dealing wif picky and choosy ones. Well, everything has a first. Since I chosen this path, there is no way back.... This path is really wat God has given me. Putting me on track to the vision I had for myself... Totally in-line with wat I had planned for the next 2 yrs of my life..

However, am I really happy here ? Environment vs job prospect.. Relationship vs communications... How do I balance it ? The tough environment in the rural part of Sg.. Can I really have the tenacity and strength to go on ? Put it this way, do I wanna be here for another minute of my life ? Hmm... The answer is....

Back to blogging

Just came back from Dr John Avazini. He seem to age quite abit from the last I saw of him... But once again, his msg blew my mind away.. Windows of heaven r once again open in my life... I given the biggest offering I ever had in my 11 yrs walk wif God... I do not know wats gonna happen, but somethings will definately happen and its for the better, i believe..

Back to my updates, well.. Some things had change from the way it is.. I been transferred to Joo Koon branch and now in a different industry all together... At least, I do not have to scurry to search for a new job but can take my pick now... The place is super retro with all the 80s setting - dark brown cupboards and tables that you can only find in the 80s movie. In addition, that place is like North Pole, winter 24/7 a year... at least the place where I sat...

Back to point 2, I didnt know it will happ again... Once again, I felt in my Spirit he will be changing his number soon. Just as I was having dinner wif Agnes, he msg me for the change of number... Why ? I had moved on... Why does God allow me to know wat he gonna do next ? Why does God allow me to feel his life again ? His life should have already belonged to someone else, not mine to feel anymore and I definately had moved on.. But why does his presence still linger... I really do not know my Lord's plan...

Moving along

This is part 2 of In Search of Happiness...

So... Hows the progress of the search ? U might wonder..

Well, at least for a start, there are already interviews for me. I praised and thanked God for that. Just hoping that the interviews will do well for me especially for the one next tuesday. However, I am abit apprehensive. Will I be able to get it ? Will I perform well in the interview ? I should just placed my trust on Him who will lead and guide me.

So.. Point 1 is moving along... The rest.. Not much progress yet.. But at least for a start, God has allowed me to see some light in my valley. Lets hope that my search for happiness will have a good ending... :)

Meanwhile, i will continue to tahan in my existing company for another 1 mth.

In search of Happiness

I decided to start a new blog today.

This morning, as the bus past through the busy CBD area, i looked longingly at all the high heels and office suit ladies walking across busying themselves with the affairs of the office. It had been a long time since I last wore all my office wear. I wondered how it feels like.

U see.. I am an engineer. I realised that this yr has not been a good yr for me especially. From the beginning to the end of the yr, it was nothing but bad news. Breakups, debts and now almost jobless.. I had it all... Amazingly, the 1st 2 items I had resolved it all. Its just the last one which I am trying hard to get.

Now, I dun wan to live a mediocre life anymore.. As such, I am going to search for my happiness... Yes, u heard it correctly... Search for happiness ! How ? I dunno, but I know I must first stepped out of my comfort zone. God can only move when I move..

SO now, heres the checklist :
1. A good paying job that allows me to wear nice dresses to work - haha.. thats superficial but which girl doesnt like to wear dresses ?
2. A big fat bank account - that will prob take me a yr to do that
3. A good, mature, knowledgeable Christian man - that's hard !
4. A master degree next yr
5. Some financial course that will allow me to be smarter with my $$$$

Now, with that written down i gotta do it ! I will blog about my progress weekly or perhaps monthly..

No weapon formed against me shall prosper !!!

Doumen, Zhuhai

Here I am, in this huge Flextronics town in china, typing this entry to the blog. I have been here for about 5 days. Times have past by so quickly here with all the activities just whizzing by. Here, I had once again felt alive with all the works and sh** i need to clear.

It actually felt good to be busy after so many mths. My boss kept bugging me to stay here. Well, once again, Im at a crossroad again. No job back in Sg, should i really come here n get the promo and raise I so desire ? Well, except for the loud honking sound on the road in the morning, generally here offer the things I wanted. Of cos, no shopping, cinemas or good fashion malls around. (the nearest will be an hour away on a cab ride...)

So wats my purpose here on this earth ? Why, approaching my imminent 28th birthday, do I feel so troubled ? Knowing within, I really do not have much I desire now, given now that my life is going through the deep dark valley again. But the onli consolation will be just to look up , hoping that He in turn will be able to shed some light.

A walk down memory lane

On Sunday morning, I went breakfast with my family to a place where I have not been there for quite awhile. I could have said no and my brother would haven driven us somewhere but yet, a part of me had decided that I will no longer be attached to the past and hence, it jus meant I do not need to fear or worried abt evoking memories of the past when I go to certain places in Singapore.

Ghim MOh, once held so much memories.. Mostly sweet.. As I stepped to the neighbourhood, strangely enough, there were not much of nagging feelings within. Instead, I looked at the neighbourhood jus as it is. Of cos, I passed by the block which once hold the person I loved most. But since a few weeks ago, I made a decision to totally let go and let God. Never had I had such a strong conviction on that. Perhaps God has let me be lazy on this issue for a long while. Its time I bucked up too. Anyway, the neighbourhood looks the same to me. Of cos, some memories just raked up again. But strangely, its not as strong as before.

Perhaps this time, I had really succeeded in putting the past behind. :)

Opportunities

Its been awhile since I last blogged. I was pondering about a good topic to write about. Recently, a chance of a lifetime came to me beyond my wildest imagination.

What happened was that I was recently transferred to a new team temporary to help out in the transfer of a project from a local team to the production team in China. It was absolutely a differnt jobscope I had previously. Well, I worked and worked. Little did I know, the manager was pleased with my performance and offered me a position in China. This will be equivalent to a double promotion and of cos, a good expat pay. Managerial position is what I had always strive for in all these years. Now.. at just a blink of an eye, I had it all. It seem God heard my prayer as well regarding wanna go overseas and worked for a yr. Except the location is so much different from what I prayed for.

Opportunity... just strike at the unexpected moment. It came totally unsoundedly. But what is more important rite now will be what I valued more in life. Is this shift God's will or my will ? Is this a test from Him who knows very well I wanna escape from it all... What will happen to my parents if I leave home for a number of yrs ? More than anything, what will happen to me there ? Will I be able to find frens like what I had now in the family of God ? Finally, all these unease stirred within. There and then, I knew it is not God's will for me. Hence, I made the next move. Rejecting the offer... Well, my colleague said I was not bold enough. But it doesnt matter what he said as long as I have peace of God within me.. Knowing that He has greater and better things for me in the future to come. This is truly what I have take years to realise...

Life has taught me about...

Life has taught me about... decisions. The decisions that u made can alter ur life completely. The decision to be with someone that u dun really love in a foreign country has changed my perspective of love forever. The terrors and frights that this guy had gave me will forever inked hard into my heart. Once, I would hav taught that this kinda stuffs will happened onli in drama, but to happen in my life was more than I can take. But.. I thank God that He has healed me and Im on the road to recovery. He has also taught me to guard my heart and thinking twice about making the correct decisions.

Life has taught me about.. love. Not just romantically.. But frenship and family as well. Frens r angels brought from God to comfort u thru the roller coasters of life. Family r the jewels u can hold on to for the rest of ur life. Admist storms n trials, these 2 nv leave or forsake u. Of cos, God's love as well.

Life has taught me about.. regrets. Perhaps regret is one of the most painful stuff that can ever occurred to someone. Previously, I had always prided myself that I do not have any regrets in life. But now I do. The one thing that I ever regretted is letting go of the person I love most. He is someone who had given me 2 yrs of joy and laughter. His sweet memories still ringed now and then in my brain now. But letting him go might also be a good thing cos he is now happily with someone that he loves. Someone he can settled for the rest of his life. Love is not abt possession. Love is seeing that someone happy and than u know u will be truly happy for him too. I wished u all the best, E. U dun have to be awkward with me cos ultimately, with the grace of God, I will move on too.

Life has taught me about.. maturity. Experiences may somehow really bring about the growth of maturity as well. I din believed it will happened to me previously. But.. after so many yrs of venturing, I realised some of the decisions or plans I had were somehow.. childish. Perhaps, thats the path that everyone is taking. For now, I just wanna go slow... Thinking twice before my actions. Feeling the peace of God in everything before I proceed.. Perhaps.. just perhaps.. one day I can truly find maturity..

The frivolous of it all

Recently, Facebook have been the craze for tracking frens updates and some used it for mean purposes like stalking as well. I have enjoyed the benefits of what technology has brought. The social networking website is a good place to keep in touch with our frens, some you might not have seen in eons ago; connecting you in a split second with the others with just a few lines at the messages inbox.

However, I have heard some of my frens complained lately that who and who have been deleted and blocked, I was appalled. Once a victim ( I was deleted and blocked by the jerk, surprised!! Such audacity when im the one being cheated and used.. well, not to say, i was exceptionally kind to him as well.. but the basic respect shld be just leaving it as it is...). Anyway, I heard abt another fren of mine blocking her own HUSBAND from scanning through her FB. Seriously, what has invented for the good of all mankind, has turned into some how a weapon for hatred.. I absolutely felt frivolous in blocking and deleting pple who u called as a fren once. (well, if its a stranger stalking you, then I really tink its fine dat u block him..) In the first place, if this is what you have considered a fren or close one at the beginning, then why did it all ended so sour on it... Besides, its just a public social networking website. If you are so afraid of your status being stalked by your frens, then why apply for the account in the first place ? If pple across the globe (whom u might not have seen for 10-20 yrs) can know about your status, then shouldnt your husband at the very least know too ?

It just boiled down how much u dislike that person dat the very tot that he/she knows your life updates makes u uncomfortable that forces u to make such a big effort to delete/block him/her. In the first place, why cun men be more magnanimous with each other or rather leave as it-is ? Frivolous, Frivolous.. tsk tsk..

Unexpected

"He is getting married soon" These are the words that echoed throughout my whole weekend. My whole being broke down. Once again, I feigned a strong front in front of my fren who broke the news to me. By the time I reached home, its already 1 am. Yet, his words echoed through and through. I have always anticipated it and seen it coming. I mean, its been 2 yrs since we ended the r/s and 2 yrs he had been with her, I have also mentally prepared it as well.

However,the reality hit me harder than expected. The tears flowed non-stopped. Unexpectedly, I cried myself to sleep. I never thought I would ever cry for him again. I thought I had moved on ever since 2 yrs ago since I have 2 others after him. However, I was just fooling myself all these while. The love never leave me and it was deeper than I imagined. However, I know I ought to let it go totally. This day will come sooner and later. I wished them happiness in their marriage. Im really happie for them.

Now back at my workplace, I no longer feel any anger towards that jerk. Cos I know it doesnt matter, cos I know who is actually the one I loved most in life. Perhaps the deletion of his blog earlier has told me that it has totally ended many yrs ago. I ought to wake up. I also realised that telling my frens are futile. Yes, my dearies loved me dearly and I know they stood by me. But I really cun stand 1 fren of mine, CQ. This is the 2nd time she just said, Move on. Honestly, I was angered by her insensitivity. I know she is troubled by her own stuffs but this is not an excuse for insensitivity. Haiz.. For now, maybe I should hide from the world and go back to my own cave....

Trip to Bangkok again

This trip to Bangkok was initially started by my dearie sammie. As its her bdae, she wanted to get out of the country and went for a trip. Hence, both me and dearie tal went along too. As this is my 2nd trip there, I do not exactly find it exciting or something. But lo and behold, I realised its not the place that you are going, its the company you are with that makes the difference.

Through the 3 and half days of shoppings, we through thick and thin together. Seeking for the best bargains, walking till our legs almost broke, caught in the rain, sharing an umbrella among 3 of us, overeating in every meal etc etc. These are all unexpected initially but its really fun. It makes me forget about the pressures and life I have in Singapore for awhile. It made me realized that frenship is something given by God to make our lives so much easier. Frens comfort the sore part of u and makes u feel everything is gonna be alrite. Frens braved the storms with you and cried with you in times of need. I know that this trip is really special to all of us as we are going through stuffs in our own individual lives. I really thank God for the frens I made in my life.

Last nite, I got the news that the jerk is going after his ex gf, J, before me. The packs of lies he told were so evident. Thank God for frens that are with me. I also thank God that I have no relation with this jerk anymore. All he ever said were just packs of lies and trying to protect himself all the way.Lies that he wun be going after another girl for at least half a yr, lies that he and J are difficult to get back together... Well.. I have seen thru his facade of fakeness. I thank God that He have saved me from him.

More photos from Nanjing

Crazy shot btw me n CQ


Talented girl !!!


My Fave girl who got 2nd !!



The purpose of my trip !! Kids n spelling bee !!

Photos from Nanjing

Chloe !! My new fren from the bee...


Its us !!



Me with all the number tags !

What is the path ahead ?

I often wondered if I have made the right decision to do the things Im doing now. I used to enjoy my career alot. The challenges at times brought me to higher grounds at times and last time, I used to be proud to be an engineer. However, all things have changed now. The constant idleness at office makes me sit and do nothing for the whole day. No longer motivated, I begin to hate what I am doing. I start to wonder maybe I shouldnt have taken up engineering at all. My peers in finance are all at a certain reputable level now and yet Im stuck here, unclear about my path ahead.

Sometimes, i sat and sat and wonder what I should be doing. However, I really cun find an answer. Where is the passion and dreams I once have ? I questioned. Perhaps its the economic recession that have pulled me down. At this age now, what can i do ? Can I start everything over again ? Frustrations built as I disliked myself being the way I am, procrastinating over every single thing I do. Maybe I ought to chuck it aside and continue life as it is.. Being contented with the job I have now... However, my heart will always go the other way...

Looking from afar

I saw his back from a distance. A back that is once so familiar to me. A back that I used to like to hug from behind. However, what I can do now is only to look afar from where I stood. The timid me can only now watched from afar as he walked away from the Nursery room, busying himself about in his duty.

I almost bumped into him outside the nursery room as I was on duty too. But I feigned ignorance again. Just as I always did and he too. Perhaps the awkwardness still existed btw us. Sammie ran and told me she saw him too... A mixture of emotions arised. I do not even noe if I have really gotten over him. Sometimes I missed him terribly just like now.. But I cun let anyone know, most importantly not him of cos. He is very very happie wif his gf now. I am happie for him too and wonders when he will be getting married with her too. I truly wished him the best.
However a part of me still misses him dearly... But i have to shhhhh....becos the correct way should be to let go of the past n anticipate a new beginning.. Which im trying hard at it...

Back from Nanjing

Nanjing trip is certainly one of eye-opener. God has allowed me to see and learn many things on this trip. Not only did I realise that the most important aspect of life is not just about earning big sums of money but to spread love. And I learnt to be thankful and appreciate every little things or pple I have around me now...

Most important of all, God has healed a large part of me as well from all the past hurts. He made me realised dat I have more important missions in life than to dwell on pple that aint worth it. Indeed He is so rite. Just now in the office, I heard him talking with the fellow colleague about girls again. "you should "jit" this girl or dat girl.." shallow conversations again. Some pple just never changes.. Haiz.

Will share more photos on Nanjing at my next blog. :)

Meaningful

As i stepped into the hall apprehensively, without my fren beside me, I was at first knocked off as I do not know alot of them in the room. I have seen them 2-3 times before during the seperate meetings but it was my fren who usually chit chatted with them. They are a nice bunch of pple with the same purpose : Holding the Spelling bee contest at Nanjing...

As the meeting progressed on, we held discussion and began warming up to each other. The purpose of helping others grew stronger inside of me. I could now again see the light. As I concentrate on the needs of others before myself, I begin to feel happier and not see myself as going thru the darkest valley anymore. One ought to be positive abt life and not live life in vain. Like wat is usually said, you only live life once,hence, we need to live life to the fullest.

As the meeting ended, my whole spirit is lifted up. For so many mths, I have been looking at my own misery. Yes, life might not be that perfect for me rite now, but I ought not to waste time on pple dat doesnt even treasure me at the first place. Hmm.. I am really looking forward to the trip in Nanjing after all.

Life may get u down

Hmm... Today was kinda an unexpected day cos I realised dat he has deleted my facebook away. I was of cos furious cos I tink no matter how angry u are towards a person, he or she shldnt have behaved tis way.

Once again, he demostrated his selfishness again. He wanted his life back. So do I. But yet he knows I will find out but he still doesnt care. I sms him n told him fine.. Since dat is wat he want, he will get it and I should get out of his way too. Just so sick n tired of his selfishness. I really dunno why we have relegated to this way. My heart feels sad but what is the use ? He will never feel it or perhaps just ignore it.

The solitude at office doesnt help too. With his loud voice ringing in the quiet office, I couldnt help but force myself to just ignore him. I couldnt help but wonder when I would ever get out of the living hell. God sees and understands but why did He placed me at such a position ? I really wonder why sometime.

Strangers

Strangers is the path dat is chosen. Again, not respecting my decision again. Since this is the path he has chosen, I do not want to spend my time dwelling on it anymore. Past few mths of fury, grieves have to come to stop. I do not need to shed another tear for this guy who doesnt even love n cherish me in the first place.

"Stop wasting your time on someone like dat" has been the kinda advices ALL my frens gave me. Yes, it has finally come to such a stage. I will do it and be brave and ignore him from now on. God will be my source of strength and energy.

Is God real ?

Is He really real ? How cum when I cried out to Him during the darkest time, He seem so silent ? I just need a word of encouragement from anyone or Him himself... but there is onli silence...

Things just got worst

As if things are already not that sour, it has to be worst now that I have even break the ties I have with another fellow colleague, supposedly "his brother". I lend my ex bf the book, thinking that it will be good for him. But yet he has to return it back to me and said things like when i need it i will borrow it. As it has already been there for days, the natural instinct will be just to tell him to leave him at his side. As if its not enough, i made the mistake of telling him my personal stuffs too. ( which he is not interested n dun bother at all...)

All in all, it all ended in a mess. And tis colleague of mine just went out lunch wif him without asking me. So i just blew and tell him that he either choose his brother or me... So apparently he choose his brother.. Thats the end.. End of my frenships with the both of them. End of r/s wif that jerk too.

Sometimes I wonder

Sometimes I wonder if God sees everything that is happening. Sometimes I wonder what it will be in 2 yrs time. As me and Fiona stared at the starry starry nite over the esplanade, wondering what will happen to the 2 of us in 2 yrs time. We are unsure.. Perhaps we will be having a busy time wif our career, perhaps fiona will be already married, perhaps i will be busy searching for my love. We are unsure. What we know is that we will definately have aged.

Today, as he bo chap again, cun help but feel yucky. He could have lend me the book a long time ago. But yet he has forgotten i needed it. This is perhaps the wake up call. The wake up call that he din bother anymore. And my heart can only goes to rest too. I really adhor that sunken feeling but pain can only numbed me of the silliness i had.. I just pray that God can heal me totally and take me away eternally from tis living hell. If i can survive once, i can survive it again.

The final showdown

All it takes for the final showdown were the words "he got a new target now.." At this, as usual, i text him to find out the truth though I wasnt sure why i did exactly that. But the sudden rush of emotions just came along. The rage within. The anger of being cheated so ultimately by wat he called as fear of r/s. Once again, he has shown me his true color. Within a span of a few mths, he can get himself a new target.

Once again, I dunno why I allow the words to cut into my heart again. He replied, saying there wasnt a new girl... But I can never trust him again. Never ever... I felt so tired quarreling with him. All these gotta stopped. I told myself. Maybe it was my persistence to hold on dat caused all these upsets. But I know it gotta be stopped. This r/s was meant to have a full stop a few mths ago. It was the total end but I allowed it to eat inside me. I hated myself very much. Hated myself for being a weakling while he moved on. Hated myself for being a cry baby. Hated myself for succumbing to the romantism overseas dat started all these rubbish.

From this week onwards, I will disappear in his life. Things will be given back to him. Line will be drawn. Words n contact will be minimised. Till im better. Till i know I can face him again. This wound, when will it ever heal ?

Giving up so easily

The recent outbursts of my frens telling me that either their relationships or marriages are at stake really shocked me. I mean, they are good Christian couples and Pst just taught about the Love and relationship seminar. Shouldnt their marriages be stronger than before ?But yet, all I heard from them is communication problem.

If God has meant for a marriage to be forever, then why did my frens chose the way they did ? Albeit they are Godly pple, but probably like wat the bible says, the devil has come to steal and destroy. What surprised me as well was A actually was after M who is much older than him. A couldnt take the rejection and gave up totally in coming to cell group as well... I mean shouldnt men take all these r/s in stride. Where is persistance nowadays ? My ex bf was like dat... He just gave up on me at the first sign of quarrel. A, gave up on cg when he faced his first rejection in life.

My frens, facing troubles in marriages, have chosen another path to end it even though God forbids it. I know how much sufferings they have gone through. I know they are exasperated. I totally understand why they choose it and I will support them no matter what.. But isnt all these a reflection like wat i said earlier "there is no forever.." ? Perhaps my decision to stay single for the rest of my life is correct. No involvement, no pain.. Simple as dat...

Surprised

We celebrated ah seet's bdae last nite. It was hell of a great nite out ! I love hanging out with the girls. But yet, what surprised me was the revelation that my fren actually told me she was going thru very hard times. I have always tot they were the perfect couple. Pretty, smart, fervent christians they both were. They both have a great career and future together. They both were so in love with each other since young.

But yet alot of times, it was not so.. Communication breakdown.. All these just lead me to think.. Even such a "perfect" Christian couple cannot go thru the storm together. What makes me tink i can actually find someone who can love me till the end? My heart went cold at the very tot. Maybe there is no forever.. I really do not dare to tink. Is God actually making us stronger by allowing us to go thru so much obstacles ? But.. isnt there another way ? I couldnt fathom.

The recent breakup is enough to make me so afraid of r/s that I dun tink i wanna try anymore. What if I meet another one that is just like him ? What if this time it could have gotten so much worst as we r married ? What if this guy cannot give me a forever? Or what if I cannot give him a forever too ? All those what ifs are enough to really have second tots abt all these.. Why not just spend the effort to gain knowledge and love the ones ard us.. In this world, there are other things beside love r/s.

I do not want to go out wif you alone anymore

"I dun wan to go out with u alone anymore.." dats the sentence he told me straight to my face.

Again, unknowingly, my eyes were wet with the tears that welled up. I have anticipated all these but yet uncontrollably, the tears just flowed. We argued... but wats the point ? He wun understand and he wun take any effort to anyway. That sentence felt like a tight slap to my face. Good frens, he claimed... Does good frens only exist in theory ? Does good frens (according to his definition) can be survived through no quality time at all ? I seriously think if pple just dun wan to mit you alone just means they already are afraid or just simply dislike being alone wif u, den i found it no point to say they r frens at all. Cos it will just be fake frenship in name.

He claimed dat i dun understand him. But does he ? Why is he once again so selfish n only thinks about himself ? I just feel so exasperated. And Im really thankful for my dear frens, jane n john who took so much effort to show me wats real frenship. And of cos my BB drove me ard in his bike which i think is really good for healing. Thank God for such wonderful frens in my life. These are what I really termed, "good frens" who stood by u thru thick and thin.. Not just some hypocrites who doesnt like being with you alone no matter wat..

Bintan 2009

As I stepped on the shore of Bintan, I cannot helped but thought about him again. 2 yrs ago, I have been on the same island with him. At that time, it was also the season I have been unfaithful, being my heart already liking someone else while I went on this trip with him. That was the end of our r/s.

After 2 yrs, I was surprised this place looks similar to what it has been 2 yrs ago. Same pool, same deco etc. Except this time, I was with my colleagues. We had ATV, massage, swimming etc. It was fun but however, my heart was kinda empty. I couldnt understand why. Was it cos of him ? or was it cos I was at the same time still healing from DQ ? I couldnt fathom where it came from except maybe it was a sunday. (sunday being the day I tink i will be the most emo cos Im alone at home.) I was really surprised dat I tot abt him even though it was so long ago and recent breakup from DQ should be on my mind instead of him. Well, I think I can only once again silently keep tis little secret within me cos its kinda embarrassing and others wun understand. Wun understand y i still think abt him when its so long ago. Seriously, its not a matter how long its over, its about what I called the sweetest memories of my life.

27+

At the age of 27, one would have acheived much in their lives. Be it having a family, or bf or finances or even career... However, I acheived none in either one of the above category. Depressed, Defeated are the constant words I used on myself nowadays. No one would probably understand wat it means to be getting older and poorer at the same time. But I do...

Not only i lost a r/s 1 mth ago, but cos of that, my finances are dropping to the red line too. In addition, my position in the company is extremely dangerous too. Disheartened, I no longer feel the motivation to work. In the past, I have felt passion and zest for the work that I do. Sometimes even pride too. However, knowing that everyone is leaving soon and Im left behind is a feeling dat is just not so rite. The loneliness crept in.. But who can I really tell it to ? Pple will tink that im just self-pitying again. That ex bf on mine in the company nowadays will just ask me to smile... no longer care abt how I feel anymore.

Does God really understand the pain and sufferings Im going thru ? Why doesnt He answer then ? Is it He has given up hope on me who has let Him down time and again ? Does God knows Im not happy working where I am now ? Does God knows that Im simply trapped there cos I have no way out ? Does He understands that its painful to see someone u love so deeply once hurt u time and again ? Does He really know ???

Blogging

As I watched the female lead blogging about her unhappiness, I cannot help but relate to her in the same way. This blog was started to blog about my unhappiness or shouts of life I cannot contained in the real life. This blog was also created for that special someone I once loved with all of my heart. Its him dat taught me the values of blogging.

So many years later, it has all changed. He now has a sweetheart beside him. And me... is still hurting from a recent breakup. Tormented by this guy which I know, was never meant to be. He was worst than my past r/s wif an ex-colleague. The emptiness within me could not describe the pains he has bore me for the last 3 mths. I always tried to put on a strong front at the surface, but his words just cut through everytime. He is full of self-righteous, only caring about himself and only his reasons are justified above all else.

Anyway, it has all ended. Every part of me gave ways. I really got no idea how its going to be mended back. I just wan to get out of the company, start on a brand new job... But really is God making me a bigger person ? Does He ever know the pain im going thru ? IF so, why wldnt He speak to me ? Why is He so quiet after all these ?

Thanking God

As I walked through the paths I have stepped on so many thousands of times on my way back, I cannot help but tink about how blessed I am. I thanked God that I have good family with good parents and brothers that loved me dearly and of cos great frens that stood by me through thick and thin. Though the economy might be down now, with everybody gloomy at the future, I realise dat I do not have to be others and be pessimistic about life.

Yes, I am at the danger of being retrenched, but with able hands and feets, I will still be able to look for a decent job to help finance my life. Though I just had a lousy relationship, I realised that there are actually more things other than love itself. And helping others actually helped me to recover better as I concentrate on others need instead of my own misery. No matter what, I still thank Him that I have an abled body and great family and frens to help me go through tis dark period of time. Surely, one day, I will be totally healed and recovered.

My little princess

Jadyn !!! My cute little princess...



She is just so adorable...

Today, I went to Pulau Ubin to cycle with my frens. Little did we know, as we reached Changi Village, it started pouring... Really big.. So we waited till the rain was smaller than we proceeded on. With half the enthusiasm, we went on the ride. It was really fun after years of not being there... We decided to get the ponchos and looked like ugly ducklings. Though it was pouring, the determination to conquer it never ceased. At the end, we finished it. Though our legs were jelly, the excitment is enough to contain us for awhile. The heavy dinner after dat almost make me puke too. The sumptous Ayam Penyet was enough to last us for a whole week ! Guess I will blog more about happie events in my life instead of being negative n vent my frustrations n sadness here..

Sunken feeling

Little did I know, the sunken feeling is back again. Though I actually felt over the weekend, the sunken feeling crept through my stomach again. When will I get better ? I asked myself... When will I ever stop tearing in my eyes for a guy dat I once loved ?

As days go by, he became colder. No longer will he joke around with me. No longer will he come over to my seat and "thrill" me for awhile. I missed those moments cos we r at our most natural nature. Being just frens. So what is the degree of that ? I dunno... I truly dunno.

Silly me.. I went into hiding in the lab.. Hoping I dun hav to hear his voice. Hoping that I dun hav to see him.. Cos the sight of him bring nothing but memories we once had. Yeah, I gotta be strong. Thats the phrase I used so often nowadays.. But when will I not ever use it again to remind myself... Then thats the day that I will truly be strong..

No Longer I

Stepping back into singapore, the feeling of relief and sadness both rushed to my heart simulteanously. Relief cos Im once again back to the safety of my family and good frens. Sadness cos I am forever leaving him and the reality just struck me. His gentle finger brushed across my dimples for the last time in the taxi. I stayed strong and refused to let any tears well up.

Back in the comfort of my room, I looked at the desktop phone. Once, it has ringed almost every nite and sweet nothings have been past through there. Now, it looks cold from the base as it has been untouched for so many weeks. No longer will I hear his voice over there anymore. No longer will my handphone bore any of his "miss you" sms.

Well, all these are the past now. Like what I thought through before, watever urs will be urs, wats not meant to be will never be. Now, I just wanna stop thinking about all these and rest.. Let nature takes its course.. If its meant to be, there will somehow be meant to be.. if its not, den i can only move on from here.

I hope he also put down his fear soon... Being the real DQ I know back a few months ago... And smiles will always be coming out from him.

He said it

Once again, it was the guy dat said it. As usual, I never have any options in the decisions. 5 times it has always been in these case. Once again, the words cut deep.

I ought to be strong, i told myself. But it din have much effect on me. The things we went through, the happiness, the caring smiles, the laughters, the thrilling adventures keep ringing and ringing in my head. The disappointment came. Why is he so particular abt the fact that I have withdrawn the $$ ? The fact that it has already been withdrawn n its still with me till tis very day dat I have not spent a single cent just goes to tell that I am serious about our future. Dead serious. The fact that I changed myself to stop spending as much already said something abt my determination to put the past behind n adopt a new lifestyle of savings.

Yet, to him, spending on this trip is unforgivable. Even though for the fact that I just wanted to take care of him when he is alone. My heart breaks when he told me he din need it at all. Little did he understand that the fact that he matters to me is more impt than $$ itself. $$ can always be earned again. But if i heard that he is alone here and i din care, den thats gotta be something wrong wif me.

Anyway, he didnt choose to listen.. He has made the decision... Though Im just praying for another chance to do all these over again.. The tears rolled down profusely.. But i know... I still ought to be strong...

Here I am

Here I am, thousands of miles away in a foreign land. The only familiarity seem to be the faces I see everyday, the factory i visited. Thousands of dollars had been spent. Little did I know the impact it did literally brought me. Initially, very naively, I would have tot that this trip would save the r/s I once had. The one dat started here.. But as the days go by, I am not too sure abt this decision.

Right now at this point of time, I needed someone to adore and hug. Giving me a reassuring hug every now and then, encouraging me every little way. Honestly, coming to this trip has risked me getting retrenched, (which I am very afraid cos I cun get jobless for even a minute due to huge debt i am in). My job, which is beginning to dim so much as I have been thrown into something I cannot handle and the fear everyday just haunt me. Of cos, there is that guy I hope to be reconciled with. Now, he seem blurrer and blurrer. No longer is he the endearing and sweet guy I have known him. Watever I do or have not done, seem to be impractical and defiant to him.Sitting across the table now, I do not know if I known this guy anymore than in the beginning. The worst thing it could happened is that im missing E too. Missing his encouragements, his efforts to always make me smile, his reassurring hugs... But all I can ever do now is just to watch him from afar.. Knowing that he already has found his happiness... The happiness that he truly deserved. And I.. deserved to be where I am today... Lost...

Sunday

Its a sunday today. It became more bearable than last week. His absence somehow has started to become a familiarity to me. I packed myself from head to toes with household chores and family activities so I wouldnt have time to think about him. Yet, I know, deep down im missing him and always trying to check if he has msn me.

Nope, he didnt. I dunno wat he is doing, neither do I know where he is now. Are we still being considered as together ? Or are we just pretending to be ? All I know being in a relationship is definately not like dat. I always have anticipation that he will call me during weekends but my hope was always broken. I dare not hope again. I dare not have any expectations anymore too. Cos I know if my expectations does not happened, the only disappointed one will be myself. Rather than having any expectations, i will choose to be strong and live on this single life again. Knowing that if he really do love me, he will be the one doing all these.

But if his heart is with another girl, I dunno wat to do too. Yeah, I will wish them the best. There's the words I always had it in my head. But will I really be able to do it ? Thats another question. Right now, I will just choose to ignore and bo chup. Hoping that this episode of my life will be healed with the presence of time.

Super Emo again

Right now even at work, cun help but suddenly feel the sunken feeling again. Emotional roller coaster at work again. I teared for awhile. This morning, I told him I will be going out with another guy on V day. He has no answer. Maybe cos he is tired of everything like wat his nick refer to ? Or he just simply dun care anymore ? I missed him terribly but I know I cun do anything at all. The sharp words that im "nian" (sticky) pierced my heart again. I hate myself for being like dat. I hate myself for being weak in r/s.

All I ever wanted in life is just for someone simple to love me and in turn I loved him back. I wanna bore children wif tis person, cook for him, laughed with him, hand-in-hand and walked down the aisle. I cun understand but ask God, why is this happening to me again. All I ever did was to love him. Is it wrong to love a person ? This time, I never break anyone heart anymore tis time. Why is this happening to me again ? Am I really that terrible ? I tot I have put it down on Monday, but it never did left me. How long would it take again for me to get tis over with ?

Super shiong yet able to smile again

I finally did some really good thinking and I managed to share it with him. Whats meant to be urs will be urs, whats not will never meant to be. It took me till this day to realise this. I do hope it will not be too late. Felt very much relax from the past few weeks since the terrible week had begun. I felt the burden being lifted up as my view point has suddenly changed.

From this day onwards, I know I will go easy on things. I do not have to try too hard. Things will come naturally. If he really do love me, he will be. I do not have to hold on so tightly to it. Today, i worked till 9pm. A record breaking feat again as I have not been working so late in singapore since I started my new job.

Hmm... I just saw E photos. He went to Korea with his gf. What a sweet couple. Cun help but pray that he will always be this happie wif his gf. Like wat my gor says, he will always hav a special place in my heart. I wish him the best in the days ahead with his sweetie. Someday, I know he will be wishing me as well... :)

Missing him

The day seem very busy.. With works packed from morning till nite. My heart is stirred every time he msn me. I tried not to put in too much to our conversation, fearing that Im giving myself too much hope then at end of 3 weeks, the sky will keep tumbling down.

He seem happy today though he have to work over nite again. A few cynical remarks here and there. There's so him. Perhaps its the part I like about him. Being real and natural. However, i felt that its not the same as before when he was abroad. I missed the time he called me late in the nite, making sure I am going to sleep. Missed the time he will msn me to go sleep early or even called me using his hp to make sure Im back at home after a nite out.

Cun help but got reminded of the past again. My ex bf, after he came back from his trip, all the stuffs he told me... the nite mare.. I told myself its better to prepare myself for the worst before it hits me. Yet, deep down, i felt a deep yearning for his love once again. I truly miss him...

Nonchalance

Everything seem normal today. Monday after a whole week of rest. He laughed, I laughed, we joked. He is back to his usual self again. And me too. For awhile, I wld have tot the issue btw us is solved.

But the words coming from his msn seem little blades cutting through my heart. I have allowed him to cut me again. The very fact that he is considering both me and his ex is too much for me. My frens tried to cheer me up. But still I teared... silently in the toilet of our office. The only solace I had was this one colleague who is going thru the same stage as I am. Except I think hers is much more painful then I do. Ending a 7.5 yrs relationship.

We were back to our usual selves while he sent me back. I do not know if he is just trying to make up for the hurts hurled towards me or he is also trying very hard to conquer his fears. But much as I know, that sweetness came back again. For awhile, I din want it to end. Knowing pretty well when he is away, things might be forever different btw us. Just like what my fren told me, I have to stop him from hurting me anymore. I need to re-consider us while he is away. But I know that will really be difficult... Cos i know deep down within, watever he does, I will always forgive if he still sees a future in us.

The thorn

Little did I expect to come so early into our r/s. The thorn that changes everything about us. The thorn that come so unsoundly into our r/s. The thorn that might forever be so difficult to extract it.

Tonite, we have come clear on everything. His stand is clear. His feelings for me is never the same as before as the relentless quarrels we had this week has tire the both of us. The ultimate straw was me attending church. He listed down the conditions. I cried. I gave in, knowing that it is painful to let go of the very r/s I had with God for the past 10 yrs. It is nv going to be the same without going to church.

However, as I weigh before myself him and Him, I know pretty well where the weigh goes to. He is right in certain ways. Without either of us giving in, this will forever be a barrier to our r/s in the future. (If we do have a future by now...) The road seems foggy. But I know if I dun take this step, the thorn will forever be in his heart. And cos I love him, I do not want it to come btw us again. Im tired.. So tired... And I know he is too...

Mixed thoughts

The remark at FB seem harmless. But it certainly stir up an emotional twirl within me. I thought all would have ended with the last episode just happened a few days before. Yet, the few words written there sets doubts within me.

Is he over her entirely ? I tried to hold my emotions but still cun resist sms him. I explained my worries and anxieties and he tried his best to reassure me again. Apologised. Me accepted. Simple as that. Yet, right now I do not know if I am entirely sure he is over her. Then it brought back to me the memories while I was with someone else new a yr ago, my heart was still with someone who been with me for over 2 yrs. Will he be feeling that way too ? Will what I have be only his physical being and not his entire soul ?

As if it didnt add on to my insecurity, our boss called and told him he need to fly off again for 2 weeks. Cun help but vent my frustrations again. Since we started, he has to fly off every 2 weeks. Cun help but to term him my "fortnite" bf. This time, its the same too. We argued over his job matters again. Was it also my fault that I cannot understand he is someone who couldnt say no when coming to work matters ? Perhaps so. WHat I can really do rite now is just to treasure the 1 wk we hav left for each other for now...

Cun understand

Hmm... Quite a few things had happened since I last blogged. The decision was made. Once again, Im back into the dating scene. His hands seem so warm in mine, giving me the assurance the best he know how. An image of gung ho-ness, anyone would pass him as someone who is supposedly a bad guy. Yet, deep down within, he is the gentle being that touches me to the core. The kind of sweet nothings whispers and the efforts that he made for our future commitments fired up my once-lost confidence again.

However, as much as Im in the honeymoon period, I have doubts in myself. NOt of him of cos... But in myself... The past haunts me time and again. The fear.. The fear that tis r/s is another failure again. The fear that the past will happened again. The fear that he is once again depending on just infatuations/feelings. What happens if the feelings are gone ? Will he ever make an effort or decisions to rekindle that ? As i read a book recently, love is a verb. Love is a decision. It should nv be based on just feelings and emotions alone. Will he be able to understand that ? Perhaps Im just being unfair by saying all these now as time can only tell. I really hope tis time it can really bear fruit.