He said it

Once again, it was the guy dat said it. As usual, I never have any options in the decisions. 5 times it has always been in these case. Once again, the words cut deep.

I ought to be strong, i told myself. But it din have much effect on me. The things we went through, the happiness, the caring smiles, the laughters, the thrilling adventures keep ringing and ringing in my head. The disappointment came. Why is he so particular abt the fact that I have withdrawn the $$ ? The fact that it has already been withdrawn n its still with me till tis very day dat I have not spent a single cent just goes to tell that I am serious about our future. Dead serious. The fact that I changed myself to stop spending as much already said something abt my determination to put the past behind n adopt a new lifestyle of savings.

Yet, to him, spending on this trip is unforgivable. Even though for the fact that I just wanted to take care of him when he is alone. My heart breaks when he told me he din need it at all. Little did he understand that the fact that he matters to me is more impt than $$ itself. $$ can always be earned again. But if i heard that he is alone here and i din care, den thats gotta be something wrong wif me.

Anyway, he didnt choose to listen.. He has made the decision... Though Im just praying for another chance to do all these over again.. The tears rolled down profusely.. But i know... I still ought to be strong...

Here I am

Here I am, thousands of miles away in a foreign land. The only familiarity seem to be the faces I see everyday, the factory i visited. Thousands of dollars had been spent. Little did I know the impact it did literally brought me. Initially, very naively, I would have tot that this trip would save the r/s I once had. The one dat started here.. But as the days go by, I am not too sure abt this decision.

Right now at this point of time, I needed someone to adore and hug. Giving me a reassuring hug every now and then, encouraging me every little way. Honestly, coming to this trip has risked me getting retrenched, (which I am very afraid cos I cun get jobless for even a minute due to huge debt i am in). My job, which is beginning to dim so much as I have been thrown into something I cannot handle and the fear everyday just haunt me. Of cos, there is that guy I hope to be reconciled with. Now, he seem blurrer and blurrer. No longer is he the endearing and sweet guy I have known him. Watever I do or have not done, seem to be impractical and defiant to him.Sitting across the table now, I do not know if I known this guy anymore than in the beginning. The worst thing it could happened is that im missing E too. Missing his encouragements, his efforts to always make me smile, his reassurring hugs... But all I can ever do now is just to watch him from afar.. Knowing that he already has found his happiness... The happiness that he truly deserved. And I.. deserved to be where I am today... Lost...

Sunday

Its a sunday today. It became more bearable than last week. His absence somehow has started to become a familiarity to me. I packed myself from head to toes with household chores and family activities so I wouldnt have time to think about him. Yet, I know, deep down im missing him and always trying to check if he has msn me.

Nope, he didnt. I dunno wat he is doing, neither do I know where he is now. Are we still being considered as together ? Or are we just pretending to be ? All I know being in a relationship is definately not like dat. I always have anticipation that he will call me during weekends but my hope was always broken. I dare not hope again. I dare not have any expectations anymore too. Cos I know if my expectations does not happened, the only disappointed one will be myself. Rather than having any expectations, i will choose to be strong and live on this single life again. Knowing that if he really do love me, he will be the one doing all these.

But if his heart is with another girl, I dunno wat to do too. Yeah, I will wish them the best. There's the words I always had it in my head. But will I really be able to do it ? Thats another question. Right now, I will just choose to ignore and bo chup. Hoping that this episode of my life will be healed with the presence of time.

Super Emo again

Right now even at work, cun help but suddenly feel the sunken feeling again. Emotional roller coaster at work again. I teared for awhile. This morning, I told him I will be going out with another guy on V day. He has no answer. Maybe cos he is tired of everything like wat his nick refer to ? Or he just simply dun care anymore ? I missed him terribly but I know I cun do anything at all. The sharp words that im "nian" (sticky) pierced my heart again. I hate myself for being like dat. I hate myself for being weak in r/s.

All I ever wanted in life is just for someone simple to love me and in turn I loved him back. I wanna bore children wif tis person, cook for him, laughed with him, hand-in-hand and walked down the aisle. I cun understand but ask God, why is this happening to me again. All I ever did was to love him. Is it wrong to love a person ? This time, I never break anyone heart anymore tis time. Why is this happening to me again ? Am I really that terrible ? I tot I have put it down on Monday, but it never did left me. How long would it take again for me to get tis over with ?

Super shiong yet able to smile again

I finally did some really good thinking and I managed to share it with him. Whats meant to be urs will be urs, whats not will never meant to be. It took me till this day to realise this. I do hope it will not be too late. Felt very much relax from the past few weeks since the terrible week had begun. I felt the burden being lifted up as my view point has suddenly changed.

From this day onwards, I know I will go easy on things. I do not have to try too hard. Things will come naturally. If he really do love me, he will be. I do not have to hold on so tightly to it. Today, i worked till 9pm. A record breaking feat again as I have not been working so late in singapore since I started my new job.

Hmm... I just saw E photos. He went to Korea with his gf. What a sweet couple. Cun help but pray that he will always be this happie wif his gf. Like wat my gor says, he will always hav a special place in my heart. I wish him the best in the days ahead with his sweetie. Someday, I know he will be wishing me as well... :)

Missing him

The day seem very busy.. With works packed from morning till nite. My heart is stirred every time he msn me. I tried not to put in too much to our conversation, fearing that Im giving myself too much hope then at end of 3 weeks, the sky will keep tumbling down.

He seem happy today though he have to work over nite again. A few cynical remarks here and there. There's so him. Perhaps its the part I like about him. Being real and natural. However, i felt that its not the same as before when he was abroad. I missed the time he called me late in the nite, making sure I am going to sleep. Missed the time he will msn me to go sleep early or even called me using his hp to make sure Im back at home after a nite out.

Cun help but got reminded of the past again. My ex bf, after he came back from his trip, all the stuffs he told me... the nite mare.. I told myself its better to prepare myself for the worst before it hits me. Yet, deep down, i felt a deep yearning for his love once again. I truly miss him...

Nonchalance

Everything seem normal today. Monday after a whole week of rest. He laughed, I laughed, we joked. He is back to his usual self again. And me too. For awhile, I wld have tot the issue btw us is solved.

But the words coming from his msn seem little blades cutting through my heart. I have allowed him to cut me again. The very fact that he is considering both me and his ex is too much for me. My frens tried to cheer me up. But still I teared... silently in the toilet of our office. The only solace I had was this one colleague who is going thru the same stage as I am. Except I think hers is much more painful then I do. Ending a 7.5 yrs relationship.

We were back to our usual selves while he sent me back. I do not know if he is just trying to make up for the hurts hurled towards me or he is also trying very hard to conquer his fears. But much as I know, that sweetness came back again. For awhile, I din want it to end. Knowing pretty well when he is away, things might be forever different btw us. Just like what my fren told me, I have to stop him from hurting me anymore. I need to re-consider us while he is away. But I know that will really be difficult... Cos i know deep down within, watever he does, I will always forgive if he still sees a future in us.

The thorn

Little did I expect to come so early into our r/s. The thorn that changes everything about us. The thorn that come so unsoundly into our r/s. The thorn that might forever be so difficult to extract it.

Tonite, we have come clear on everything. His stand is clear. His feelings for me is never the same as before as the relentless quarrels we had this week has tire the both of us. The ultimate straw was me attending church. He listed down the conditions. I cried. I gave in, knowing that it is painful to let go of the very r/s I had with God for the past 10 yrs. It is nv going to be the same without going to church.

However, as I weigh before myself him and Him, I know pretty well where the weigh goes to. He is right in certain ways. Without either of us giving in, this will forever be a barrier to our r/s in the future. (If we do have a future by now...) The road seems foggy. But I know if I dun take this step, the thorn will forever be in his heart. And cos I love him, I do not want it to come btw us again. Im tired.. So tired... And I know he is too...