The rainy day effect

I call it the "rainy day effect". For some, rainy days signifies doomness, frustration etc. However, I love rainy days. Rainy days bring to me a sense of coolness dat will drown out the otherwise sense of heat I have always felt in this warm country. Rainy days also signifies to me a good day to SLEEP! And sleeping is my favourite activity...A few mths ago, rainy days would have reminded me of the past again which signifies sadness. But right now, Im being set free. I simply changed my perspectives.

The Lord has really been good to me this week. The bible says "...in prayers and supplications, made ur request known to God". For the first time in my life, I had really fasted for my own individual life and ahem.. someone of significance too. As always, God did not miraculously appear in my life and did something miraculously immediately. But however, the series of events dat happened thruout this week must be (I assumed) the work of God thru fasting. The pain seems a little less and the Holy Spirit even at 1 time tis week reminded me not to tink of the bitterness I held against someone(S) but simply to let go and just treasure the happy memories. I ought not to carry the burden anymore but must be glad dat God has allow someone to touch my heart before. I mean, I cun blame him for everything dats happened, cos its my fault too. But y not just rem the good old past n move on ! I had already moved on since 2 mths ago but a part of me might not have been able to let go of the bitterness. But thanks to the Holy Spirit, I decided to jus rem the happiness we shared instead of all ugliness who will only slowly eat me up in the inner being.

Immediately, I became a happier person. Even though I might see him in the office, I dun feel a thing at all and am able to smile and continue to do wat im doing. God is really good. Hmm.. And it also helps whenever I see dat someone in the office who will inevitably makes me break out in laughter. I admit there may be some attraction but for the time being, Im still waiting for dat someone (E) and truly, for now, I just wanna enjoy the frenship I have with him.

The pain

The pain unseemingly set in once again. The words once again ever so crystal clear displayed before my eyes. Praying to the Lord to take away this pain seem fruitless as it haunts me over and over again. The words, ever so dearing to someone dat is not me, spikes me over and over again. I would have tot dat time would have washed away the pain and past. But it seem like 8 mths till now, the scene from that awful nite keep repeating itself in my mind. Many a times, I tried to push it away. But somehow, it silently creeps in again. Perhaps its never going to go away. I will never be as intelligent, smart and confident as wat ur other partner will be. But I thank the Lord dat Im precious in His eye and He has given us 2 yrs of happiness.

As the fear of losing my dad to illness crept in at times, stupidly, i tot u would offer some form of verbal comfort. Much to my disappointment, it did not happen. Perhaps the inner part of me knows this fact but I cun help but slapped myself in the face again. The fear of not knowing where I am scares me. Cos I dun wan to hold on to the past but yet, I cun seem to kick it away. What I can only do now is to express this in this little blog, to let off some of the inner pains dat has already saturated my being. Im really saddened n discouraged by my father's constant ailment. Sometimes I just dun hav the strength anymore but I noe I cun give up cos my dad needs this little pillar of strength. But I do hope dat somehow, someone somewhere will also offer me this little pillar of strength too.

Hurray !! Back from Thailand

Thailand, a place filled with rich historical backgrounds and cultures is certainly a place more than wat normal singaporean would go there for, CHatukchat. Though I understand why pple will choose to go there cos of its relatively cheap clothing offered. Well.. I had a great time there, eating, meeting up with my ex colleagues, sightseeing and also shopping !

I also did something I din do for a long time... I actually went chionging ! In thailand.. It was great fun under the influence of seemingly a good amt of alcohol.. Dancing my heart out to the rumbling hit.. "Beautiful Girls". Joking and making fun of each other (some I have not seen for ages..). Well, it is certainly a nite to remember. Words aside, lets enjoy the pixs !

Thailand Here I come

Hmm.. Alot of people might laugh at my silly enthusiasm and excitement over a place they may have been a thousand times. But this trip meant all the more impt to me. This is not only my first time to Thailand but also a first to go holidaying wif my ex-colleagues. In addition, this is also a trip dat will hopefully help in healing watever portion of heart I have left within me.

So excited was I dat I actually went to buy a brand new camera to commemorate the dinners, sightseeing etc that we r going to have. Its Arise and Build but seem like Im losing all my self-control and discipline I have trained up myself for the last half year. But I just chucked all these aside. Knowing dat im going to bear all the consequences(big hole in the pocket!), I just anticipating dat all will be well.

And God is indeed good to me. As I woke up this morning, having the fear of a lonely sunday, I prayed dat He will take away watever loneliness I will feel. Indeed it works ! I have always afraid of sat evening or sunday afternoons cos the loneliness sometimes jus scare me. But... From these days onward, Im going to be a brave girl and faced all these and will always learn to appreciate His beauty in the sabbath day. :)

A moment of Nostalgia

Walking along the densely populated street in a familiar neighbourhood, chinatown almost look beautifully at the breezy nite. As the wind blows across my face, I cannot help but think of a person. The sudden rush of emotion washed over me...

As the wind continue to blow, it bring with it the memories of the past. How the laughters had brought us through 2 yrs of our lives. How the constant bickering had brought us both the sweets and bitter moments. I remembered how u will get grouchy at the sticky and humid weather as we walked thru the entire street of chinatown. I will always try to ignore u and pretend I din care abit of it. But nevertheless, we will end up enjoying ourselves and eat all the way thru.

Those were the faraway past. Both of us had grown up. As tears once again unwillingly welled itself up my eyes, I cannot help but imagine that u are already in the hands of another woman. Both of us already had our own individual life and you are very busy with ur work and newfound love life. Its time to stop dwelling, i told myself as I wiped away the last of my tears. Everything is going to be alrite, I told myself. U had find your happiness and Im certain I will find mine too. I said a little prayer for u and hope dat in somewhere in ur life, u will remember this old fren of urs.

My Shoes

Yesterday I had a revelation. The story goes like this. Early in the morning, I wore on a my favourite pair of blue poka dotted shoes to match with my simple dressing for the day. This little pair of shoes, although nice on the outside, gave me almost 10 blisters just wearing it the last time. Nevertheless, cos its my favourite, so I decided to give it a try again. I did everything I can. I rubbed candle wax on the rough edges, I put plasters on my little toes to protect it.

As I put it on, I had already prepared for the worst. However, as I walked on my way to work and even for the rest of the day, it did not hurt as much as before. I begin to walk with ease with it. This shoes help me to reflect upon life. Sometimes in life, cos of the hurts we experienced, we will choose to give up on something we once adored and love. Many a times, we will just choose to chuck it aside and move along and get new "shoes" in our lives. However, if pple would just stopped and gave tis little pair of shoes a 2nd chance, things might have been different. Though its a risk we gotta take(cutting our legs again), we will never know the outcome if we dun give it a 2nd chance. God indeed has given me many many chances. It doesnt mean I not stopped hurting Him a 2nd time, I still do after the umpteen times. But God has never given up on me.

And in addition, this little reflection also allow me to be stronger each time I give something or someone a 2nd chance. If I am just willing to face up to my hurts (legs injury in this sense), I will get unexpected results. (the joy of my pretty little pair of shoes). Though I might be taking a risk of hurting myself again, ultimately, it will still worth the ride. :)