Meaningful

As i stepped into the hall apprehensively, without my fren beside me, I was at first knocked off as I do not know alot of them in the room. I have seen them 2-3 times before during the seperate meetings but it was my fren who usually chit chatted with them. They are a nice bunch of pple with the same purpose : Holding the Spelling bee contest at Nanjing...

As the meeting progressed on, we held discussion and began warming up to each other. The purpose of helping others grew stronger inside of me. I could now again see the light. As I concentrate on the needs of others before myself, I begin to feel happier and not see myself as going thru the darkest valley anymore. One ought to be positive abt life and not live life in vain. Like wat is usually said, you only live life once,hence, we need to live life to the fullest.

As the meeting ended, my whole spirit is lifted up. For so many mths, I have been looking at my own misery. Yes, life might not be that perfect for me rite now, but I ought not to waste time on pple dat doesnt even treasure me at the first place. Hmm.. I am really looking forward to the trip in Nanjing after all.

Life may get u down

Hmm... Today was kinda an unexpected day cos I realised dat he has deleted my facebook away. I was of cos furious cos I tink no matter how angry u are towards a person, he or she shldnt have behaved tis way.

Once again, he demostrated his selfishness again. He wanted his life back. So do I. But yet he knows I will find out but he still doesnt care. I sms him n told him fine.. Since dat is wat he want, he will get it and I should get out of his way too. Just so sick n tired of his selfishness. I really dunno why we have relegated to this way. My heart feels sad but what is the use ? He will never feel it or perhaps just ignore it.

The solitude at office doesnt help too. With his loud voice ringing in the quiet office, I couldnt help but force myself to just ignore him. I couldnt help but wonder when I would ever get out of the living hell. God sees and understands but why did He placed me at such a position ? I really wonder why sometime.

Strangers

Strangers is the path dat is chosen. Again, not respecting my decision again. Since this is the path he has chosen, I do not want to spend my time dwelling on it anymore. Past few mths of fury, grieves have to come to stop. I do not need to shed another tear for this guy who doesnt even love n cherish me in the first place.

"Stop wasting your time on someone like dat" has been the kinda advices ALL my frens gave me. Yes, it has finally come to such a stage. I will do it and be brave and ignore him from now on. God will be my source of strength and energy.

Is God real ?

Is He really real ? How cum when I cried out to Him during the darkest time, He seem so silent ? I just need a word of encouragement from anyone or Him himself... but there is onli silence...

Things just got worst

As if things are already not that sour, it has to be worst now that I have even break the ties I have with another fellow colleague, supposedly "his brother". I lend my ex bf the book, thinking that it will be good for him. But yet he has to return it back to me and said things like when i need it i will borrow it. As it has already been there for days, the natural instinct will be just to tell him to leave him at his side. As if its not enough, i made the mistake of telling him my personal stuffs too. ( which he is not interested n dun bother at all...)

All in all, it all ended in a mess. And tis colleague of mine just went out lunch wif him without asking me. So i just blew and tell him that he either choose his brother or me... So apparently he choose his brother.. Thats the end.. End of my frenships with the both of them. End of r/s wif that jerk too.

Sometimes I wonder

Sometimes I wonder if God sees everything that is happening. Sometimes I wonder what it will be in 2 yrs time. As me and Fiona stared at the starry starry nite over the esplanade, wondering what will happen to the 2 of us in 2 yrs time. We are unsure.. Perhaps we will be having a busy time wif our career, perhaps fiona will be already married, perhaps i will be busy searching for my love. We are unsure. What we know is that we will definately have aged.

Today, as he bo chap again, cun help but feel yucky. He could have lend me the book a long time ago. But yet he has forgotten i needed it. This is perhaps the wake up call. The wake up call that he din bother anymore. And my heart can only goes to rest too. I really adhor that sunken feeling but pain can only numbed me of the silliness i had.. I just pray that God can heal me totally and take me away eternally from tis living hell. If i can survive once, i can survive it again.

The final showdown

All it takes for the final showdown were the words "he got a new target now.." At this, as usual, i text him to find out the truth though I wasnt sure why i did exactly that. But the sudden rush of emotions just came along. The rage within. The anger of being cheated so ultimately by wat he called as fear of r/s. Once again, he has shown me his true color. Within a span of a few mths, he can get himself a new target.

Once again, I dunno why I allow the words to cut into my heart again. He replied, saying there wasnt a new girl... But I can never trust him again. Never ever... I felt so tired quarreling with him. All these gotta stopped. I told myself. Maybe it was my persistence to hold on dat caused all these upsets. But I know it gotta be stopped. This r/s was meant to have a full stop a few mths ago. It was the total end but I allowed it to eat inside me. I hated myself very much. Hated myself for being a weakling while he moved on. Hated myself for being a cry baby. Hated myself for succumbing to the romantism overseas dat started all these rubbish.

From this week onwards, I will disappear in his life. Things will be given back to him. Line will be drawn. Words n contact will be minimised. Till im better. Till i know I can face him again. This wound, when will it ever heal ?

Giving up so easily

The recent outbursts of my frens telling me that either their relationships or marriages are at stake really shocked me. I mean, they are good Christian couples and Pst just taught about the Love and relationship seminar. Shouldnt their marriages be stronger than before ?But yet, all I heard from them is communication problem.

If God has meant for a marriage to be forever, then why did my frens chose the way they did ? Albeit they are Godly pple, but probably like wat the bible says, the devil has come to steal and destroy. What surprised me as well was A actually was after M who is much older than him. A couldnt take the rejection and gave up totally in coming to cell group as well... I mean shouldnt men take all these r/s in stride. Where is persistance nowadays ? My ex bf was like dat... He just gave up on me at the first sign of quarrel. A, gave up on cg when he faced his first rejection in life.

My frens, facing troubles in marriages, have chosen another path to end it even though God forbids it. I know how much sufferings they have gone through. I know they are exasperated. I totally understand why they choose it and I will support them no matter what.. But isnt all these a reflection like wat i said earlier "there is no forever.." ? Perhaps my decision to stay single for the rest of my life is correct. No involvement, no pain.. Simple as dat...