Just as my previous blog, things had progressed in a whirlwind that even myself is amazed at. The rapid holding of hands signifying something out of us but yet, somehow, the uneasiness pangs me from within. Have I make the wrong decision that will lead me to the messy life I used to have again ?
I knew I shldnt have allowed things to progress the ways they did, knowing pretty well its a big risk im taking towards him. However, the feelings just developed day by day. Now, back in Singapore, I could not stop thinking about it. Reviewing the things he said to me, I couldnt help shuddering again. I never wanna hurt anyone at all. But at the same time, I dun wanna go thru the pain at all. But it seem as the days go and the feelings getting stronger and also the connection between us, I begin to realise im falling deeper. Falling deeper into the abyss of love...
Haiz... The decision still gotta be made by him. To choose btw 5 yrs or 5 weeks.. The answer is pretty obvious. But somehow i still hope the answer will change...
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Mystery
I didnt know how it got started. Neither I have any idea when it started too. 1 nite in the beautiful capital might be the only catalyst that I could think of that started it. The caring ways and the adoring smile.. The understanding.. I never thought it will happened this way and so far away from home too.
I know I should not have cross the boundary. But he has secretly and unsoundly came into my locked heart. The conversations we shared were of our common thoughts. Now.. i cannot help but start thinking of him day and nite, knowing that he too, is feeling the same way.
I told myself all these gotta stopped when we are back in singapore cos feelings should nv have grown in the first place. Once again, i have let my feelings ruled over my brain. The realistic me knows all the don'ts of him as he is currently with someone else. Having problems with her doesnt mean I can take that chance cos that would be totally unfair to her. And and... I do not even know if these feelings are left to stay on his side or its just the "correct ambience, correct time.." The fear crept in again... The fear of liking someone that I shldnt...
I know I should not have cross the boundary. But he has secretly and unsoundly came into my locked heart. The conversations we shared were of our common thoughts. Now.. i cannot help but start thinking of him day and nite, knowing that he too, is feeling the same way.
I told myself all these gotta stopped when we are back in singapore cos feelings should nv have grown in the first place. Once again, i have let my feelings ruled over my brain. The realistic me knows all the don'ts of him as he is currently with someone else. Having problems with her doesnt mean I can take that chance cos that would be totally unfair to her. And and... I do not even know if these feelings are left to stay on his side or its just the "correct ambience, correct time.." The fear crept in again... The fear of liking someone that I shldnt...
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Vienna 22-23rd Nov
As I stepped into this beautiful ancient city of where Mozart used to stay, I could not help but be amazed at the architecture of the city. Most amazedly, I did not go on this trip with the dear one in my life but with 3 guys I just came across to be closer in barely less than 2 months. It was one of the most memorable trip I ever had. Surely, being abroad really allows you spaciality to develop your thinking and not be always dwelling things that are in the past... And most impt of all, I did fulfill one of the dream in my life ie : to visit the ancient cathedrals of the world... :)
The beautiful city of Vienna !
Carridge, Horse, Me... Where is the prince ?? hahahha
Me and Terrorist.. Hahaha
Nice !
The beautiful city of Vienna !
Carridge, Horse, Me... Where is the prince ?? hahahha
Me and Terrorist.. Hahaha
Nice !
Friday, October 24, 2008
Some thoughts about today
This afternoon I went back to Philips to have lunch with my ex-colleagues. As usual, it was a good time of sharing the good and the bad of the company once again. My ex-colleagues were all complaining about how the 2 managers were fighting among themselves.
On the journey back to office, Kelvin actually told me my ex bf of Philips had a new gf. My answer was a mere "I know." Hmm.. Actually I know it a while ago when DQ told me. However, the little surprise I had was he just had it not long ago. I was expecting an earlier period than these as he is one guy whom I met that is immature in thinking and actions. Who only feels for himself alone. Maybe Im biased. What do you expect ? Im just an ex gf who is cheated of her love by an ex who proclaimed the reason of breaking up is cos he wanted to concentrate on his studies and too busy for me.
Hmm.. at this time, u might think im bitter. But nope, Im not. In fact, i have totally forgotten this person until Kel brought it up again. Anyway, this caused me to ponder once again. AS i told ah seet, how cum guys are always able to have a gf as fast as they like it. I still think if they have ever loved a gurl with their heart, how can they totally let go just like dat ? Maybe this qn has been on the minds of girls for centuries, but who can really give an answer to it. Girls, being the more emotional beings, sometimes will just dwell and dwell and dwell on the past though they already know its "the past". Yes, its a process girls know best themselves and are trying very hard to conquer it for centuries, however, God made women the way they are. Maybe next time when im in heaven, I would really love to ask God this qn : " Why did you make women to be so much more emotional than men ?". Hmm... as for now, I can only continue the way I am and really try my utmost best to forget the past like I have forgotten this ex bf. And I believe God will truly strengthen me if i ask Him to. Amen
On the journey back to office, Kelvin actually told me my ex bf of Philips had a new gf. My answer was a mere "I know." Hmm.. Actually I know it a while ago when DQ told me. However, the little surprise I had was he just had it not long ago. I was expecting an earlier period than these as he is one guy whom I met that is immature in thinking and actions. Who only feels for himself alone. Maybe Im biased. What do you expect ? Im just an ex gf who is cheated of her love by an ex who proclaimed the reason of breaking up is cos he wanted to concentrate on his studies and too busy for me.
Hmm.. at this time, u might think im bitter. But nope, Im not. In fact, i have totally forgotten this person until Kel brought it up again. Anyway, this caused me to ponder once again. AS i told ah seet, how cum guys are always able to have a gf as fast as they like it. I still think if they have ever loved a gurl with their heart, how can they totally let go just like dat ? Maybe this qn has been on the minds of girls for centuries, but who can really give an answer to it. Girls, being the more emotional beings, sometimes will just dwell and dwell and dwell on the past though they already know its "the past". Yes, its a process girls know best themselves and are trying very hard to conquer it for centuries, however, God made women the way they are. Maybe next time when im in heaven, I would really love to ask God this qn : " Why did you make women to be so much more emotional than men ?". Hmm... as for now, I can only continue the way I am and really try my utmost best to forget the past like I have forgotten this ex bf. And I believe God will truly strengthen me if i ask Him to. Amen
Sunday, October 19, 2008
My journal at the airport
17th October, 2008
As I sat alone in Frankfurt airport now writing this journal, cun help but listen to the many Christian songs I brought along with me. Indeed, sitting here for a few hours waiting for my flight back to Singapore allows me to do much thinking. As I sat here at the waiting lounge, looking at all the people that are generally on the other side of the world, cun help but feel how big the world is.
Indeed, this trip to Hungary has been one dat I always dreamed to have. However, as the day approaches to go, my heart felt apprehensive and unsure. One could say dat Im a chicken, but cun help feeling the dread in my stomach building on each passing day. On the day of departure, I was especially touched when my angels came to the airport to send me off. Coming with pooh pooh too. Of cos, there is always wendy too. Im grateful dat she knows the feeling of dread within. As I sat thinking, cun help but thank God for this past 1 week. Indeed His favor is on me everywhere I go. Though I din wanna go hungary at all, but I somehow heard His voice to tell me to go. I also told myself that as I have make a promise to be obedient to Him a long time ago, much to my reluctance, I will obey at His word. Though my heart still cun help feeling fearful, but I wanna submit myself to His will.
On this day of journeying back to Singapore, I am eternally grateful for His love and protection. Im drafting up my testimony too… Alone at the other end of the world has also given me ample time to think abt my relationship life. I have decided to let God pathed the way for me. Whatever comes, let it come. If me and S r not meant to be, when im back in Singapore, things would not happened too. I know deep down in my heart, there is still that lingering feeling of “his” presence. Though he is so far away, cun help but think of him everyday. I know, at this pt, pple wld start saying again move on move on. Even I have gotten sick and tired of asking myself to move on. However, as each time I see him in church, pretending not to see me, my heart just wrenched. Indeed, this is the one of the greatest regret in my life. Though I appeared strong in front of him, I know im just pretending. Pretending everything is Ok. Pretending that I dun care anymore. Pretending, at times, are tiring too.
I really just prayed dat he will be happy now. Maybe one day I will get the news that he will be getting married. Perhaps maybe that day I will truly forget him. But for now, I will put him in the secret compartment of my heart. Locked within the deepest corner. Since I have tried so hard forgetting him, it fails, I think the only other thing I can do is locked him within. E.L, I hope u be happy always. Im sorry for hurting you, though it din mean much to u now, truly I would like to apologise for the hurts I have once caused you. Wherever I am in the world, I will always be praying for u. Hope that you will find that girl you want and enjoy a blissful marriage with her.
Sue chow.
9:53am Frankfurt airport.
As I sat alone in Frankfurt airport now writing this journal, cun help but listen to the many Christian songs I brought along with me. Indeed, sitting here for a few hours waiting for my flight back to Singapore allows me to do much thinking. As I sat here at the waiting lounge, looking at all the people that are generally on the other side of the world, cun help but feel how big the world is.
Indeed, this trip to Hungary has been one dat I always dreamed to have. However, as the day approaches to go, my heart felt apprehensive and unsure. One could say dat Im a chicken, but cun help feeling the dread in my stomach building on each passing day. On the day of departure, I was especially touched when my angels came to the airport to send me off. Coming with pooh pooh too. Of cos, there is always wendy too. Im grateful dat she knows the feeling of dread within. As I sat thinking, cun help but thank God for this past 1 week. Indeed His favor is on me everywhere I go. Though I din wanna go hungary at all, but I somehow heard His voice to tell me to go. I also told myself that as I have make a promise to be obedient to Him a long time ago, much to my reluctance, I will obey at His word. Though my heart still cun help feeling fearful, but I wanna submit myself to His will.
On this day of journeying back to Singapore, I am eternally grateful for His love and protection. Im drafting up my testimony too… Alone at the other end of the world has also given me ample time to think abt my relationship life. I have decided to let God pathed the way for me. Whatever comes, let it come. If me and S r not meant to be, when im back in Singapore, things would not happened too. I know deep down in my heart, there is still that lingering feeling of “his” presence. Though he is so far away, cun help but think of him everyday. I know, at this pt, pple wld start saying again move on move on. Even I have gotten sick and tired of asking myself to move on. However, as each time I see him in church, pretending not to see me, my heart just wrenched. Indeed, this is the one of the greatest regret in my life. Though I appeared strong in front of him, I know im just pretending. Pretending everything is Ok. Pretending that I dun care anymore. Pretending, at times, are tiring too.
I really just prayed dat he will be happy now. Maybe one day I will get the news that he will be getting married. Perhaps maybe that day I will truly forget him. But for now, I will put him in the secret compartment of my heart. Locked within the deepest corner. Since I have tried so hard forgetting him, it fails, I think the only other thing I can do is locked him within. E.L, I hope u be happy always. Im sorry for hurting you, though it din mean much to u now, truly I would like to apologise for the hurts I have once caused you. Wherever I am in the world, I will always be praying for u. Hope that you will find that girl you want and enjoy a blissful marriage with her.
Sue chow.
9:53am Frankfurt airport.
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
In Hungary
The moment i stepped down from Vienna airport, I cun help but feel a dread surfacing within me. This does not helped at all during the 1 and half hour ride from the airport to the little town call Sarvar.
Sarvar is a little town with practically nothing. Those town whereby when u google it and find not much info on it. I think the most comforting thing might just be the hotel that I stayed in. Despite the "old" feeling surrounding the town, there is a touch of modernness there.
The first person dat I actually talked to on the Internet is my dearie ms tan. I cun help but kept tearing when i was talking to her. At that moment, I cun help but miss home dearly. Miss my mum and dad. Miss my dear frens and cell group. As i stared at the pooh bear given by seet and tal, there is someone dat I cun help but remember. That is him.. The tears flowed again... Why is it dat I just cun forget his face ? Probably its the pooh bear dat brought back so much memories. I told myself umpteen time to be strong and move on. I know it is totally unfair to the new guy im sort of seeing now, but I cun stop myself. Im really asking for troubles. Haiz.. How long does it take to totally forget a person ? I know I need to in order to be fair to the new guy. I just wished dat maybe God will miraculously take away all the sweet memories I ever had with him, the pictures we took, the pooh pooh family we adopt, the crazy crappy jokes we ever share, the moment we spent praising God together etc. I hope God can just take it all away in an instant snap.. really.. so I dun have to suffer from such memories again.
Sarvar is a little town with practically nothing. Those town whereby when u google it and find not much info on it. I think the most comforting thing might just be the hotel that I stayed in. Despite the "old" feeling surrounding the town, there is a touch of modernness there.
The first person dat I actually talked to on the Internet is my dearie ms tan. I cun help but kept tearing when i was talking to her. At that moment, I cun help but miss home dearly. Miss my mum and dad. Miss my dear frens and cell group. As i stared at the pooh bear given by seet and tal, there is someone dat I cun help but remember. That is him.. The tears flowed again... Why is it dat I just cun forget his face ? Probably its the pooh bear dat brought back so much memories. I told myself umpteen time to be strong and move on. I know it is totally unfair to the new guy im sort of seeing now, but I cun stop myself. Im really asking for troubles. Haiz.. How long does it take to totally forget a person ? I know I need to in order to be fair to the new guy. I just wished dat maybe God will miraculously take away all the sweet memories I ever had with him, the pictures we took, the pooh pooh family we adopt, the crazy crappy jokes we ever share, the moment we spent praising God together etc. I hope God can just take it all away in an instant snap.. really.. so I dun have to suffer from such memories again.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Would there be someone to help me ?
To me, yesterday was a terrible day for myself.Maybe the only consolation was to meet vincent for dinner. He tried his utmost best to cheer me up. I managed a smile or 2 but it still did not still the waves and storms within my heart.
My boss did the most ridiculous thing ever. Im supposed to go Hungary for 2 weeks initially and come back for 1 mth and then be there once again 5 weeks. Well, alot of pple i talked to might think this is a chance of a lifetime to go Europe for free. However, they do not know the fine details of it. The fact of the matter is that Im going there for fire-fighting exercise and so far, by the reactions from the europeans, I would think they are not welcoming me cos im there for continuous improvement but they r reluctant for changes.
Well, what makes me really mad is that my boss actually shirks responsibilities and hide in Malaysia. Originally he is supposed to cover my duties at the 3rd and 4th weeks. But he actually changed his schedule so he can go back earlier and I have to extend my stay !! I really really dun wan to stay there all alone... Efforts to change jobs are however slowed due to a market slowdown. I really dun want to be there for so long. Away from home, frens etc... Missing xmas here... As tears rolled down my eyes, I told God all these but all I got was just silence. Who can actually take me out of this predicament ? Once again, this qn will be dropped into the deep black abyss cos I know no one can help me at all except myself and hopefully God will give me strength... :(
My boss did the most ridiculous thing ever. Im supposed to go Hungary for 2 weeks initially and come back for 1 mth and then be there once again 5 weeks. Well, alot of pple i talked to might think this is a chance of a lifetime to go Europe for free. However, they do not know the fine details of it. The fact of the matter is that Im going there for fire-fighting exercise and so far, by the reactions from the europeans, I would think they are not welcoming me cos im there for continuous improvement but they r reluctant for changes.
Well, what makes me really mad is that my boss actually shirks responsibilities and hide in Malaysia. Originally he is supposed to cover my duties at the 3rd and 4th weeks. But he actually changed his schedule so he can go back earlier and I have to extend my stay !! I really really dun wan to stay there all alone... Efforts to change jobs are however slowed due to a market slowdown. I really dun want to be there for so long. Away from home, frens etc... Missing xmas here... As tears rolled down my eyes, I told God all these but all I got was just silence. Who can actually take me out of this predicament ? Once again, this qn will be dropped into the deep black abyss cos I know no one can help me at all except myself and hopefully God will give me strength... :(
Monday, September 22, 2008
So Duhhhh....
This blog is entirely about what happened over the weekend. Not only do I get a bad diarrhoea from the cell group curry chicken we all scurried over after the heavy msg Wendy delivered, but also some people in the past that makes me just furious.
Though I could understand the awkwardness arised from the misunderstandings so so so long ago, I feel that at the baseline, we could still be frens once again. I could see ur bo chap face when we past by each other a few times (maybe only once outside the toilet). U delibrately avoided any eye contact and I was thoroughly bothered when you did not bother to fake a Hi to me. Haiz.. What exactly is wrong here ? Maybe it has always been my wishful thinking that after breaking up we could still be frens so such awkwardness will not happen when we mit each other at church. However, such a long time has since past, but yet I cun help but feel that all avoidance is neccessary.
As I told sammie about what happened, the only advice she had was everything in life is not as perfectly as we dreamed of. Some pple just doesnt bothered anymore and they dun wish to include u in their frens catergory. Haiz, as I listened, I felt that it is entirely so true. Life is not always what i expected it to be. To be frens after breakup is really my own wishful thinking. Maybe I ought to grow up more.
Though I could understand the awkwardness arised from the misunderstandings so so so long ago, I feel that at the baseline, we could still be frens once again. I could see ur bo chap face when we past by each other a few times (maybe only once outside the toilet). U delibrately avoided any eye contact and I was thoroughly bothered when you did not bother to fake a Hi to me. Haiz.. What exactly is wrong here ? Maybe it has always been my wishful thinking that after breaking up we could still be frens so such awkwardness will not happen when we mit each other at church. However, such a long time has since past, but yet I cun help but feel that all avoidance is neccessary.
As I told sammie about what happened, the only advice she had was everything in life is not as perfectly as we dreamed of. Some pple just doesnt bothered anymore and they dun wish to include u in their frens catergory. Haiz, as I listened, I felt that it is entirely so true. Life is not always what i expected it to be. To be frens after breakup is really my own wishful thinking. Maybe I ought to grow up more.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Vanessa's Wedding
My Frens in Nursery ! All gorgeous babes.. :)
My Dearie Sammie !!! (P.S the church is absolutely gorgeous for weddings ! )
Monday, September 08, 2008
Some peace
As I was about to step ahead to my life's 3rd business trip, I went into deep deep thoughts. The few mths in Hungary alone will definately draw me closer to God. However, will I ever be a new person when Im back ? Will I, like wat I prayed at the beginning of the year, be able to forget whatever that has held me back for almost 2 yrs ? I dun really know the answer but just have to anticipate that God will take care of it.
I have mixed feelings now. A part of me wanted to leave Singapore as soon as possible to forget watever that has held me back, the other part yet, is starting to miss watever or whomever I adore in my life here. What will happened when Im gone ? Will all be the same when Im back ? A person once encourages me that when Im young, I ought to take a look at the world outside. At that moment, i felt it was totally true. However, now that it is about to come, the devil is trying to encrypt my heart with something call fear.
Hope that the few months in Hungary will be the start of another phase in my life.
I have mixed feelings now. A part of me wanted to leave Singapore as soon as possible to forget watever that has held me back, the other part yet, is starting to miss watever or whomever I adore in my life here. What will happened when Im gone ? Will all be the same when Im back ? A person once encourages me that when Im young, I ought to take a look at the world outside. At that moment, i felt it was totally true. However, now that it is about to come, the devil is trying to encrypt my heart with something call fear.
Hope that the few months in Hungary will be the start of another phase in my life.
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Nice Nice
A nice sunset shot of the beautiful skyscrapers of our nation ! Hee... I can be a photographer soon...
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Too much thinkings to do
Recently, after much push from my friend, I decided to go for some dinner she arranged with the male friend she is trying to match me with. Well, I went through it imagining it to be another lunch session with just any stranger Im reaching out to for salvation, except this time, the guy doesnt need me to bring him to church.
I put on my friendly side. At certain times, its quite awkward cos I kept thinking I really cun go through this type of "blind date" though my fren is around. After about 2 sessions of it, I keep thinking about the effectiveness of such meeting. Yes, the guy is really very eligible. However, I kept posting myself the qn :" Am I ready for a r/s?" These few days, I kept thinking about it till sometime it overwhelm me. Well, I know its not any issue with the guy but the problem just lies with me.
Probably I would like to describe myself to be "chicken". Cos deep down I know Im afraid of getting hurt again. Some thing I have chosen to bury deep within. The fear of another failed r/s. The fear of believing wholeheartedly that the guy u going to marry will love you forever but actually its not that case. The fear.....
I wonder how I can get this out of me but I know God will surely provide a way when there is none.
I put on my friendly side. At certain times, its quite awkward cos I kept thinking I really cun go through this type of "blind date" though my fren is around. After about 2 sessions of it, I keep thinking about the effectiveness of such meeting. Yes, the guy is really very eligible. However, I kept posting myself the qn :" Am I ready for a r/s?" These few days, I kept thinking about it till sometime it overwhelm me. Well, I know its not any issue with the guy but the problem just lies with me.
Probably I would like to describe myself to be "chicken". Cos deep down I know Im afraid of getting hurt again. Some thing I have chosen to bury deep within. The fear of another failed r/s. The fear of believing wholeheartedly that the guy u going to marry will love you forever but actually its not that case. The fear.....
I wonder how I can get this out of me but I know God will surely provide a way when there is none.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Little Trails of memories
As I walked down the halls of the beautiful national museum, I couldnt help but once again think about how u always ranted abt going to the then renovating national museum. The walk through history has always been the interests for both of us. Now as I walk alone( literally, not counting mr and mrs bong beside me) in this beautiful museum, I seriously cun help but think of u. Though I pretended nonchalant in front of mr & mrs bong, I know deep within a trail of u still lingers. I forced it to stop from surfacing. As what I have written before, it had not been easy for me to move on and put everything down. I need to stop allowing the devil to bring such memories to me.
Trying as I could, today as I walked thru aisle of the supermarket again, I couldnt help but tot of wat u will be doing at that moment. I even said a little prayer for u on my way back. Hmm.. I know it has finally ended but there will always be dat little moments of the past lingering here and now. Its all sweet memories and its the only thing I have with me now. I hoped u will always always be happy with what you are doing and of cos, that you will have a really sweet r/s with ur gf.
P.S : I did see you a few times in church and I think your dress sense is definitely getting better. haha.. oops.. :P
Trying as I could, today as I walked thru aisle of the supermarket again, I couldnt help but tot of wat u will be doing at that moment. I even said a little prayer for u on my way back. Hmm.. I know it has finally ended but there will always be dat little moments of the past lingering here and now. Its all sweet memories and its the only thing I have with me now. I hoped u will always always be happy with what you are doing and of cos, that you will have a really sweet r/s with ur gf.
P.S : I did see you a few times in church and I think your dress sense is definitely getting better. haha.. oops.. :P
Monday, July 07, 2008
FInally over
Pst Mike connell's conference finally came to an end last wk. Much to my surprise, this year he focus on inner healing more than deliverance. Though it was a really good session, could see that the Spirit of God came down powerfully. Some of them was delivered as usual. Some wept non-stop.
I wept and wept like a baby... Dealing with the dissappointments in life were nv easy for me especially like wat Pastor Mike said, putting a knife thru the heart and pretending it to be alrite. Burying it deep down within my heart has always been the way I handled my emotion. Telling myself not to nurse on it and its Ok was how i tried to remain strong too. As the healing power touches me, I felt the peace of God and most miraculously, my whole hand went cold and numbed as if God has personally came down and turn my hands to ice. I still remembered what Pst Kong says about Sun getting this feeling when she is healing others by the power of the Lord. This same healing power of the Lord has touched me there and then. I think I will nv forget that in my life.
The past has finally had a beautiful closure.
I wept and wept like a baby... Dealing with the dissappointments in life were nv easy for me especially like wat Pastor Mike said, putting a knife thru the heart and pretending it to be alrite. Burying it deep down within my heart has always been the way I handled my emotion. Telling myself not to nurse on it and its Ok was how i tried to remain strong too. As the healing power touches me, I felt the peace of God and most miraculously, my whole hand went cold and numbed as if God has personally came down and turn my hands to ice. I still remembered what Pst Kong says about Sun getting this feeling when she is healing others by the power of the Lord. This same healing power of the Lord has touched me there and then. I think I will nv forget that in my life.
The past has finally had a beautiful closure.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
The ironies...
Hmm... Dunno how to start this blog cos there are quite a few qns pounding on my head. Cun help but think why does God do the things that He did ? OR was it just the devil trying to disillusion me ? Haha.. I certainly have no answer to that.Probably I was too sensitive lah..
How do I start ? Hmm... The story goes like dat: Yesterday, I was just tell Mrs Bong that I have finally gotten over E cos now Im quite sure abt my feelings towards another one. At least now I dun compare him to E anymore like in the past. He is certainly a guy that I must admit Im quite attracted to. But there is always the boundary... I shouldnt cross it again cos i wouldnt wanna let God down again as I climbed higher up in my role in ministry. Anyway, after I finished msning with Mrs Bong, I went to church anticipating a great leader's meeting like the week before.
Hmm... Tink chinese have a saying " dun speak abt the person in the day". Cos last nite I chanced upon E, not once, not twice but four times ! 2 of the times, i cun help but feigned ignorance. Though I did really see his car coming when I was about to cross the road. And yes, the 4th time was even amazing. Once again, as I was in GS car, I knew that he is somewhere very near. ANd the nxt second, his car appeared.
At that moment, I cun help but wonder what is God doing ? Trying to test me whether my words to Mrs Bong are true ? I seriously got no ideas. But 1 thing i know, though there are certain sublimal link btw E and me, its nv the same as before and it will nv be (which Im glad). And God is a God of new creation.. Surely old things have past away and rite now, I just need to be mindful of things that are spiritual and of cos enjoy this time with this guy who keep making me laughs.. :)
How do I start ? Hmm... The story goes like dat: Yesterday, I was just tell Mrs Bong that I have finally gotten over E cos now Im quite sure abt my feelings towards another one. At least now I dun compare him to E anymore like in the past. He is certainly a guy that I must admit Im quite attracted to. But there is always the boundary... I shouldnt cross it again cos i wouldnt wanna let God down again as I climbed higher up in my role in ministry. Anyway, after I finished msning with Mrs Bong, I went to church anticipating a great leader's meeting like the week before.
Hmm... Tink chinese have a saying " dun speak abt the person in the day". Cos last nite I chanced upon E, not once, not twice but four times ! 2 of the times, i cun help but feigned ignorance. Though I did really see his car coming when I was about to cross the road. And yes, the 4th time was even amazing. Once again, as I was in GS car, I knew that he is somewhere very near. ANd the nxt second, his car appeared.
At that moment, I cun help but wonder what is God doing ? Trying to test me whether my words to Mrs Bong are true ? I seriously got no ideas. But 1 thing i know, though there are certain sublimal link btw E and me, its nv the same as before and it will nv be (which Im glad). And God is a God of new creation.. Surely old things have past away and rite now, I just need to be mindful of things that are spiritual and of cos enjoy this time with this guy who keep making me laughs.. :)
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Shin-goon !
Oh Man ! Its Shin-goon with his high school uniform ! Heehee.. So sweet of Mr and Mrs Bong for surprising me with this cute little teddy bear from Korea ! Really hope like what you all said that I will find shin-goon soon and of cos, that guy will have to fly to Korea to get Shin-goon's other half... Heehee.. Thanks for 2 of your love !
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
The petty one
Cun help but wanna blog about my bad bad functional manager. To think that he even have the same surname as me... So disgusted. Though Jesus taught me to love and forgive, but this is one petty guy dat is so hard to love. He is the pettiest guy in the whole world ! And he doesnt know that the whole dept hates him.
Well.. here it goes.. Im going off in a few wks time. However,there are alot of handing over to be done as Im handling 2 of the biggest projects myself. So naturally, I have to hand over to 2 pple just to do wat im doing. Well, naturally its not easy for me to train them as 1 of them is not an engineer at all ! Hence, sometimes its quite difficult for him to grasp the basics well. And this stupid manager expects me to listen to him and do everything in his own way. And when I told him its not feasible dat way, he went ard talking behind my back ! Can you imagine it ? Not only did he tell all the other engineers but to some of the managers as well... Oh Gosh. Almost wanted to curse in his office... but the love of God holds my temper down.
Haiz.. I will miss all my colleagues dearly... But will dread the very tot of him. At least though my last days in the company r terrible, there is just 1 person dat makes me smile. Hmm... ur call in the morning came at a surprise but to hear ur voice over the phone simply perks me up. Ur crappiness at times really makes me laugh. Thanks for making my last day in the office so enjoyable. :)
Well.. here it goes.. Im going off in a few wks time. However,there are alot of handing over to be done as Im handling 2 of the biggest projects myself. So naturally, I have to hand over to 2 pple just to do wat im doing. Well, naturally its not easy for me to train them as 1 of them is not an engineer at all ! Hence, sometimes its quite difficult for him to grasp the basics well. And this stupid manager expects me to listen to him and do everything in his own way. And when I told him its not feasible dat way, he went ard talking behind my back ! Can you imagine it ? Not only did he tell all the other engineers but to some of the managers as well... Oh Gosh. Almost wanted to curse in his office... but the love of God holds my temper down.
Haiz.. I will miss all my colleagues dearly... But will dread the very tot of him. At least though my last days in the company r terrible, there is just 1 person dat makes me smile. Hmm... ur call in the morning came at a surprise but to hear ur voice over the phone simply perks me up. Ur crappiness at times really makes me laugh. Thanks for making my last day in the office so enjoyable. :)
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Walking on the streets
Today, we have a really fun day at the fish spa. But as I walked through CCK Lot 1, I couldnt stop but think of the memories again. Many things have changed in that shopping centre, but the memories were fresh. How we started out with empty pockets. How we will breezed through the shopping mall. How you will give me a "mthly" gift to symbolise ur love for me even though u were just a student back then. Somehow, its not the gift but the heart dat always touched me to the core. Today, everything have changed. You and I are no longer the same person dat we used to be.
As I walked thru the path to the bus stop at holland village, once again, I could feel the memories haunting me again. How we spent every sunday there just walking ard. How u and I will get the DVDs at the shop. Much to my reluctance, the memories came. I could only try to stop it popping at my head. And also the only thing I could do to let it out is writting this blog. Cos I know no one wld read this and u will get to know too so I could just vent watever I bottled up within here.
Of cos, God knows everything. But I hope that God can take it away and erase it. Cos I do not keep wanting to live in this shadow. And I know that if he is happy, I will be truly happy for him too. Hope God will continue to bless him and his loved ones. Amen.
As I walked thru the path to the bus stop at holland village, once again, I could feel the memories haunting me again. How we spent every sunday there just walking ard. How u and I will get the DVDs at the shop. Much to my reluctance, the memories came. I could only try to stop it popping at my head. And also the only thing I could do to let it out is writting this blog. Cos I know no one wld read this and u will get to know too so I could just vent watever I bottled up within here.
Of cos, God knows everything. But I hope that God can take it away and erase it. Cos I do not keep wanting to live in this shadow. And I know that if he is happy, I will be truly happy for him too. Hope God will continue to bless him and his loved ones. Amen.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Waiting for that day
I didnt know when it all started. I didnt know if it will ever have an ending too.But as I watched the sad sad show on TV this week, I cannot help but feel if that day will ever come. It seem that day is further and further away... But I cannot help myself in not thinking abt it. Yes... I have always envision to get rescued from my house by probably a "knight in shining armour"
I love my family greatly. But somehow or another, I have always pictured myself to have my very own family. Somewhere and someone to build a beautiful home with me. Once, this dream has nearly come to past, but cos of the mistake I made, I have let that go. Now, once again, Im wishing really that someone could just take me away from all these burdens I have within. Someone who is willing to appear suddenly out of my doorstep and take me away to somewhere I will call home. Perhaps, many will laugh at me for being naive. However, I couldnt stop myself from wishing that as I always envisioned since young that the rite person will take me away from my home.
Now as that dream seem so far away, I could not help but face up to the reality. Certainly that notion will be stronger at some pts of my life, but I guess I could just chuck it aside and still be the person that I have always been. I couldnt tell anyone wat I think cos they will nv understand why I would have tis tot at all. But perhaps, someone else in the world will.
For that, I do not know.
I love my family greatly. But somehow or another, I have always pictured myself to have my very own family. Somewhere and someone to build a beautiful home with me. Once, this dream has nearly come to past, but cos of the mistake I made, I have let that go. Now, once again, Im wishing really that someone could just take me away from all these burdens I have within. Someone who is willing to appear suddenly out of my doorstep and take me away to somewhere I will call home. Perhaps, many will laugh at me for being naive. However, I couldnt stop myself from wishing that as I always envisioned since young that the rite person will take me away from my home.
Now as that dream seem so far away, I could not help but face up to the reality. Certainly that notion will be stronger at some pts of my life, but I guess I could just chuck it aside and still be the person that I have always been. I couldnt tell anyone wat I think cos they will nv understand why I would have tis tot at all. But perhaps, someone else in the world will.
For that, I do not know.
Monday, May 19, 2008
A whole new start again
I have been experiencing great changes and transition for these couple of years. Be it in relationship, career, spiritual life. Its really have been a roller coaster for all the aspects of my life. From getting to married soon to being single now, the transition of my relationship life has been one of the greatest lesson I learnt in my life. Now, I am totally clear abt the type of partner I am looking for to spend the rest of my life. :)
In addition, my career took on a new start as I have now preparing to leave the place where all these sad moments have occurred. I hoped with the new job, I will be able to move to another level with my career. Just wanna thank God for all the good things He had done in my life for the last 6 mths. His WOrds nv failed and when u sow bountifully, surely u will reap bountifully. I am a live testimony of that as what I reaped from all my company award, bonus, increments and new job increments are much more I can think or imagine. Hmm... I really hope all the bad memory will be put behind and a new future will be embracing towards me. Amen. :)
In addition, my career took on a new start as I have now preparing to leave the place where all these sad moments have occurred. I hoped with the new job, I will be able to move to another level with my career. Just wanna thank God for all the good things He had done in my life for the last 6 mths. His WOrds nv failed and when u sow bountifully, surely u will reap bountifully. I am a live testimony of that as what I reaped from all my company award, bonus, increments and new job increments are much more I can think or imagine. Hmm... I really hope all the bad memory will be put behind and a new future will be embracing towards me. Amen. :)
Monday, May 05, 2008
Fields of gold
"Fields of Gold" is a song by Eva cassidy. I cannot help but fell in love with this soulful voice of hers. Not only is the melody nice, but also there is something abt this song dat I just cannot explain. Perhaps its abit like love. Many a times, u dunno wat got into u, but there is just abt that person dat u like dat u do not know how to explain.
Once again, I have heard one of my colleague tying the knot soon. Im really happy for her. Though I know the nxt qn by all the aunties from my company will be "when is ur turn ?". Hmm... This qn nv daunt upon me now as Im feeling really self-sufficient now. I have gotten quite comfortable with my lifestyle now that I began to feel dat it is unneccessary to have a bf or even a husband for the rest of my life. Perhaps its all the unneccessary quarrels, troubles that it bring that scare me off. But seriously, at this pt of time, Im really contented and happy being single. Well, probably I should start also buying a big "piggy" bank for all the wedding ang paos that Im going to give out for the rest of my frens soon.
Once again, I have heard one of my colleague tying the knot soon. Im really happy for her. Though I know the nxt qn by all the aunties from my company will be "when is ur turn ?". Hmm... This qn nv daunt upon me now as Im feeling really self-sufficient now. I have gotten quite comfortable with my lifestyle now that I began to feel dat it is unneccessary to have a bf or even a husband for the rest of my life. Perhaps its all the unneccessary quarrels, troubles that it bring that scare me off. But seriously, at this pt of time, Im really contented and happy being single. Well, probably I should start also buying a big "piggy" bank for all the wedding ang paos that Im going to give out for the rest of my frens soon.
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Short Short hair
My heart breaks when my hair was cropped to a length of my past. I have always been keeping my hair long but last thurs I decided to go for a trim. However, little did i expect that disaster was looming.
My hair stylist actually began thinning my ends and thickening my top part of the hair. At the end of it, i still manage shoulder length hair but only left a mere part of it with my waves on top of my head. "Mushroom" hair is the word to describe it. I got so affected by it that I went back for a rebonding. After the rebonding, it was so frizzy that its like the dry hay. Under such disasters, my stylist gotta chop off even more hair. Now Im left with really short hair... My heart felt sad as I always like my long hair. I dun look good at all with short hair. Though my frens were all nice n say my hair will grow back again but from the looks of it, I would tink it will need another 6-12 mths to grow back my original length. That just means I will have to hide myself from others for that long period.
Haiz, And I tot after april 6th, I would have a new start. Indeed, this ugly short hair just haunt me again.
My hair stylist actually began thinning my ends and thickening my top part of the hair. At the end of it, i still manage shoulder length hair but only left a mere part of it with my waves on top of my head. "Mushroom" hair is the word to describe it. I got so affected by it that I went back for a rebonding. After the rebonding, it was so frizzy that its like the dry hay. Under such disasters, my stylist gotta chop off even more hair. Now Im left with really short hair... My heart felt sad as I always like my long hair. I dun look good at all with short hair. Though my frens were all nice n say my hair will grow back again but from the looks of it, I would tink it will need another 6-12 mths to grow back my original length. That just means I will have to hide myself from others for that long period.
Haiz, And I tot after april 6th, I would have a new start. Indeed, this ugly short hair just haunt me again.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
iMing
"Forgive her, u still love her" said Jesus to Leonard. My tears automatically dropped at the scene when Jesus turned to the male lead unexpectedly. Though I was hoping for that scene and trying hard not to cry, I couldnt help it dat emotions started to well up in me. My frens were all buckets beside me too.
Touched by the love of Christ, Leonard decided to forgive Suzanne, the woman dat has betrayed him for another man but was terribly sorry abt it. The hatred harboured inside Leonard changed him to an extreme man. Only thru the journey to Jesus time, did he realise wat Jesus did and of cos experience His real love and forgiveness. Well, in the end, he got the courage to forgive Suzanne and proclaim his love for her once again.
My fren asked me why I did feel so much abt it. Well, I dunno why myself too. I felt I was very much like Suzanne at that instant. But I nv did get my chance to apologise. Probably I was too afraid to even bring up the past again. My heart was of utmost remorse. I knew that God has healed me totally and probably the past din mean anything anymore to him anymore, well, its probably I know I have not really apologise n seek forgiveness for leaving him a yr ago for someone else cos of the problems we had. I nv gave him a chance to work things out but was quick to leave the r/s cos the other guy was already pressing me. Well, its all in the past now.
Im still very sorry abt wat happened. I will take this chance here to say wat I always wanted to say : " Im sorry, E... Will u forgive me?".
Touched by the love of Christ, Leonard decided to forgive Suzanne, the woman dat has betrayed him for another man but was terribly sorry abt it. The hatred harboured inside Leonard changed him to an extreme man. Only thru the journey to Jesus time, did he realise wat Jesus did and of cos experience His real love and forgiveness. Well, in the end, he got the courage to forgive Suzanne and proclaim his love for her once again.
My fren asked me why I did feel so much abt it. Well, I dunno why myself too. I felt I was very much like Suzanne at that instant. But I nv did get my chance to apologise. Probably I was too afraid to even bring up the past again. My heart was of utmost remorse. I knew that God has healed me totally and probably the past din mean anything anymore to him anymore, well, its probably I know I have not really apologise n seek forgiveness for leaving him a yr ago for someone else cos of the problems we had. I nv gave him a chance to work things out but was quick to leave the r/s cos the other guy was already pressing me. Well, its all in the past now.
Im still very sorry abt wat happened. I will take this chance here to say wat I always wanted to say : " Im sorry, E... Will u forgive me?".
Monday, March 17, 2008
Amazed
Last saturday, I was amazed at my own behaviour. Though the daddy was very worked up and rattled non-stop about how I should have the compassion on his tired kid, my face was all smiles. To be honest, I was quite taken aback but instead of firing back at him like what I will do in the past, I decided to hold it all in and give what i call as grace to him.
Though it was my every right to fire back at him for not thinking about the safety of my whole entire room of little babies with the notion dat his playgroup child wld have caused if I continued to let him stay in the room, I decided to hear him finished his heated speech. He finished with saying he totally understand my limitations but however, in my heart, I really do not know why he have to create such a scene if he totally understands. Like what probably auntie shirley says, he probably wanna voice out his frustrations. Sammie, who was by my side, was quite amazed at my calmness. I really do not know when I have become like this too. But I found dat the most common word I always said nowadays to others when they are worked up wif another person would be "give him/her grace". Hmm... Im really amazed at how God has changed me in tis 1 yr. Last time, I always tot how could Jesus have tolerated all the insinuations dat all the pple have given to Him. Isnt He angry at all ? Well, probably He is at times, but knowing dat the Father is love, He decided to give grace and forgiveness to all. Im really happy that my old bad temperamental self has changed. Its really not by my own strength or effort, but of cos by the power of the Holy Spirit. Im not perfect and there will be times I will still err but I know that God is using my circumstances to change me from the inside out bit by bit. Hallejuah !
Though it was my every right to fire back at him for not thinking about the safety of my whole entire room of little babies with the notion dat his playgroup child wld have caused if I continued to let him stay in the room, I decided to hear him finished his heated speech. He finished with saying he totally understand my limitations but however, in my heart, I really do not know why he have to create such a scene if he totally understands. Like what probably auntie shirley says, he probably wanna voice out his frustrations. Sammie, who was by my side, was quite amazed at my calmness. I really do not know when I have become like this too. But I found dat the most common word I always said nowadays to others when they are worked up wif another person would be "give him/her grace". Hmm... Im really amazed at how God has changed me in tis 1 yr. Last time, I always tot how could Jesus have tolerated all the insinuations dat all the pple have given to Him. Isnt He angry at all ? Well, probably He is at times, but knowing dat the Father is love, He decided to give grace and forgiveness to all. Im really happy that my old bad temperamental self has changed. Its really not by my own strength or effort, but of cos by the power of the Holy Spirit. Im not perfect and there will be times I will still err but I know that God is using my circumstances to change me from the inside out bit by bit. Hallejuah !
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
I said a little prayer for her...
A face full of lines of the past, a smile that can thunder through the house, a kind old look... Thats how I always envisioned how she looks. I had nv seen her before in my life but yet the little ang pao she gave me a few yrs ago was still good as new in my little piggy bank.
The kind old lady I always imagined to be has passed on. I do not know where she is but I prayed dat Jesus You will have mercy on her and looked after her soul. I prayed that You will give her family peace and comfort for the rest of their lives and especially to Your son. That You will keep him and protect him and he will be the salt of the earth and light of the world. Though we din say a thing during darren's wedding, but I really wanted to come over and said hi but somehow or another, I felt ur reluctance and awkwardness. Even though when we were at the door during the march in, I could sense ur uneasiness. Be of ease, my fren, I have already moved on and changed. I am not the old susan who called u up 5 mths ago. This sue just wanna maintain a healthy frenship with everyone of her frens.
The kind old lady I always imagined to be has passed on. I do not know where she is but I prayed dat Jesus You will have mercy on her and looked after her soul. I prayed that You will give her family peace and comfort for the rest of their lives and especially to Your son. That You will keep him and protect him and he will be the salt of the earth and light of the world. Though we din say a thing during darren's wedding, but I really wanted to come over and said hi but somehow or another, I felt ur reluctance and awkwardness. Even though when we were at the door during the march in, I could sense ur uneasiness. Be of ease, my fren, I have already moved on and changed. I am not the old susan who called u up 5 mths ago. This sue just wanna maintain a healthy frenship with everyone of her frens.
Monday, March 03, 2008
The Greatest Mistake of my life.
Today, Im going to blog about 1 of the greatest mistake of my life. I can still live to re-tell it is cos of His grace and mercy that have upholds me for so many mths. The reason why I wanna re-tell this secretive part of my life is I have totally overcome it and live a victorious life.
Almost a yr ago, on Mar 24th, I started a r/s with a guy that I know is not wat God has meant for my life. You see, the problem is I have got a bf of 2 yrs and I loved him dearly. Marriage plans were on the way too but I always felt that he needed to change for the better before we can progressed in life together. At those few mths, my life were totally confused about our impending "marriage" together. You could say its "pre-marital" blues. Thinking that we needed space to overcome our shortcomings, I decided to break off this r/s. At this period of time, my colleague was after me too.
He is a rather dashing guy with lotsa humour and patience in the beginning. I went into the r/s not really loving him at all and also just so I got a companion. Well, by now, u would have tink I was a bi**h. Yes I was... In a state of confusion, I started a r/s wif him knowing pretty well dat God has shouted a big loud "NO". Well, like all r/s, all was well till he lose his love for me for just 6 mths ! At this period, I enjoyed his companion but deep down, I still have a strong love for my ex bf. However, not that I dun like this guy, I like him too but just not as strong as my previous. Anyway, in the beginning, he promises forever love like all guys too but as time goes by, his love for me waver through the endless quarrels we had. Instead of overcoming, he chose to end all this. Well, u noe how the story goes, he is my colleague so u can imagine how bad it was for the breakup. Anyway, facing the 2nd breakup in just a yr, I went into a sense of depression. I had suicidal tots. But thank God for wonderful angels in my life, I managed to pick up my life again. But me and that colleague of mine didnt even talk anymore. He just chose not to talk or look at me again. As if all faults were mine...
Anyway, I got the just deserts cos of this and little did I know, my ex (the one I love) also moved on in just 3 mths ! Hmm.. like wat God told me, this is the consequences for wanting my own way and going against His way. Well, I thank God that He is my pillar of strength in the midst of darkness. Today, I have totally healed and moved on too. Though this little hurt still crept up once in awhile, but I noe all things work together for good for those who loved Him. I hoped this greatest mistake of my life can be a reflection for those who are facing the same doubts abt marriage, being with non-christians etc etc. Generally, obedience to God's way is better den sacrifice.
Almost a yr ago, on Mar 24th, I started a r/s with a guy that I know is not wat God has meant for my life. You see, the problem is I have got a bf of 2 yrs and I loved him dearly. Marriage plans were on the way too but I always felt that he needed to change for the better before we can progressed in life together. At those few mths, my life were totally confused about our impending "marriage" together. You could say its "pre-marital" blues. Thinking that we needed space to overcome our shortcomings, I decided to break off this r/s. At this period of time, my colleague was after me too.
He is a rather dashing guy with lotsa humour and patience in the beginning. I went into the r/s not really loving him at all and also just so I got a companion. Well, by now, u would have tink I was a bi**h. Yes I was... In a state of confusion, I started a r/s wif him knowing pretty well dat God has shouted a big loud "NO". Well, like all r/s, all was well till he lose his love for me for just 6 mths ! At this period, I enjoyed his companion but deep down, I still have a strong love for my ex bf. However, not that I dun like this guy, I like him too but just not as strong as my previous. Anyway, in the beginning, he promises forever love like all guys too but as time goes by, his love for me waver through the endless quarrels we had. Instead of overcoming, he chose to end all this. Well, u noe how the story goes, he is my colleague so u can imagine how bad it was for the breakup. Anyway, facing the 2nd breakup in just a yr, I went into a sense of depression. I had suicidal tots. But thank God for wonderful angels in my life, I managed to pick up my life again. But me and that colleague of mine didnt even talk anymore. He just chose not to talk or look at me again. As if all faults were mine...
Anyway, I got the just deserts cos of this and little did I know, my ex (the one I love) also moved on in just 3 mths ! Hmm.. like wat God told me, this is the consequences for wanting my own way and going against His way. Well, I thank God that He is my pillar of strength in the midst of darkness. Today, I have totally healed and moved on too. Though this little hurt still crept up once in awhile, but I noe all things work together for good for those who loved Him. I hoped this greatest mistake of my life can be a reflection for those who are facing the same doubts abt marriage, being with non-christians etc etc. Generally, obedience to God's way is better den sacrifice.
Sunday, March 02, 2008
Why Why Why ???
I often wondered why a couple couldnt be frens after they ended the relationship. Often, I also wonder if I was trying too hard to maintain the frenship. For me, I really has moved on. Do you really fear me that much dat when u see me in church, u gotta pretend that u din see me and hoping I never notice ? Or issit that u wanna avoid the awkwardness that u might have if u gotta say hello to me ?
I do not what you are thinking anymore but for me, I just want it to be a platonic frenship. Just as u have moved on, I have too. I felt that you were afraid of me cos u constantly fear I might still have a thing for u. As I fulfilled the responsibility of being a fren and asked abt ur grandma, ur silence really brought a sense of chill to my heart. For a moment, I was totally worried of what might happened to the kind old lady I have once imagined to be, but the silence of the phone somehow enraged me. Well, I told myself it might be cos he is having a difficult time dats why he is not replying me to my 2nd msg. But however, the week past by. Slowly, the signal u sent became clearer.
From this day on, I told myself that I would not try too hard to maintain this frenship anymore cos ultimately it is not bearing fruits of frenship. I wished u the best in life.
I do not what you are thinking anymore but for me, I just want it to be a platonic frenship. Just as u have moved on, I have too. I felt that you were afraid of me cos u constantly fear I might still have a thing for u. As I fulfilled the responsibility of being a fren and asked abt ur grandma, ur silence really brought a sense of chill to my heart. For a moment, I was totally worried of what might happened to the kind old lady I have once imagined to be, but the silence of the phone somehow enraged me. Well, I told myself it might be cos he is having a difficult time dats why he is not replying me to my 2nd msg. But however, the week past by. Slowly, the signal u sent became clearer.
From this day on, I told myself that I would not try too hard to maintain this frenship anymore cos ultimately it is not bearing fruits of frenship. I wished u the best in life.
Friday, February 29, 2008
The Uncertainty...
The difference btw men and women has always been the topic of the century. Issues of the heart are always the center of such topics. Recently, as I was browsing through the bookshelves, the bestsellers are often those who centered around "venus" and "mars". I often wondered why God makes adam and eve so different though she came from him. There ought to be great similarities btw them both. However, either physically or emotionally, God has certainly put a vast difference to it.
Women tend to be tipping towards the "emotional" scale of the balance. Whereas men tend to be more "logical". Recently, I have been so busy with the issues of life that its been so long since I tot of BGR. As I browse the bookshelves looking for the "7 habits of highly effective pple", my eyes inadvertantly caught sight of the relationship book. I started a train of tots between man and woman. There will always be uncertainties btw man and woman but probably cos of such differences, God has indeed made r/s so interesting. As I once again went into the dating scene, I realised that there are constantly interesting things to explore over each other. I dunno wat's the point of my blog here but I felt that there will always be uncertainties over man's and woman's life. Its just how the couple chose to overcome it and embrace the future ahead.
As I continued this journey called life, Im glad that God is showing the beautiful little things dat He has created for all mankind. And my brother, I sincerely give u my best blessing for nxt week as u journeyed down ur life wif my lovely roomie. I am just so happy for the both of u ! Smile :)
Women tend to be tipping towards the "emotional" scale of the balance. Whereas men tend to be more "logical". Recently, I have been so busy with the issues of life that its been so long since I tot of BGR. As I browse the bookshelves looking for the "7 habits of highly effective pple", my eyes inadvertantly caught sight of the relationship book. I started a train of tots between man and woman. There will always be uncertainties btw man and woman but probably cos of such differences, God has indeed made r/s so interesting. As I once again went into the dating scene, I realised that there are constantly interesting things to explore over each other. I dunno wat's the point of my blog here but I felt that there will always be uncertainties over man's and woman's life. Its just how the couple chose to overcome it and embrace the future ahead.
As I continued this journey called life, Im glad that God is showing the beautiful little things dat He has created for all mankind. And my brother, I sincerely give u my best blessing for nxt week as u journeyed down ur life wif my lovely roomie. I am just so happy for the both of u ! Smile :)
Thursday, February 14, 2008
The end of everything
Something within me clicked the moment my fren told me that she saw u with the girl on christmas service. How u lovingly helped to hold the girl's bag and the closeness of u with her; all these images just popped ever so clearly in my head.
At that precise moment, i knew exactly I have waken up. Woken up after a yr in my dreamy stage. That scenarios as described by my fren somehow sounded the alarm in my heart and woke me from the dream I have been in for a yr. At that moment, I knew I have thoroughly given u up. A part of me was excited as finally I can heaved a sign of relief but another part of me somehow felt the emptiness within. Well, in summary, Im glad that this day finally came. It also meant that now, my heart is truly ready and available for other romances in my life.
Thru it all, God is truly amazing. He is always not late, not early but always on time. On this valentine's day, He allows me to truly let go of everything and finally be able to move on to wat I think will be the most amazing year of my life ! And of cos, I thank God that I have another 1 and half mths to my fulfillment of my mini vow and at which, once again, I will be very open to relationships again. Thank you Jesus for total healing !
At that precise moment, i knew exactly I have waken up. Woken up after a yr in my dreamy stage. That scenarios as described by my fren somehow sounded the alarm in my heart and woke me from the dream I have been in for a yr. At that moment, I knew I have thoroughly given u up. A part of me was excited as finally I can heaved a sign of relief but another part of me somehow felt the emptiness within. Well, in summary, Im glad that this day finally came. It also meant that now, my heart is truly ready and available for other romances in my life.
Thru it all, God is truly amazing. He is always not late, not early but always on time. On this valentine's day, He allows me to truly let go of everything and finally be able to move on to wat I think will be the most amazing year of my life ! And of cos, I thank God that I have another 1 and half mths to my fulfillment of my mini vow and at which, once again, I will be very open to relationships again. Thank you Jesus for total healing !
Thursday, February 07, 2008
A gift long time ago...
This blog has been started a few years ago during this period cos of someone who will always be away in Malaysia during this period of time. This person loves to write blog and because of ultimate boredom during tis period, I decided to start this blog. A blog dat will pen down all my realistic feelings and emotions I ever felt towards something or towards him.
The irony is such dat all these changes within the last 1 yr. The blog I started for him will never be read by him anymore. Yesterday, as I cleared my messy room for this festive season, I came upon something dat once touched my heart tremendously. The turmoil of emotions flushed over me as I saw the most beautiful present I have received in my life. It does not cost much but it certainly means the dearest to me cos it was done out of love by him. As I read the birthday greetings from him, my tears keep flowing. Y does it still hurt so much ? I asked the Lord. There was again silence...
As I saw this present again, it dawned upon me that Im a person who never knows how to love someone. I had hurt someone who loves me so dearly a yr ago... Though I have forgiven myself and the Lord forgiven me, but this certainly tot me dat I nv noe how to love someone. Im always demanding, quick-tempered and taking for granted the love he showered to me before. Most absurbly, I chose to let him go for a flaw dat is causing him pain too. The past is the past, it can never be re-lived. From this, I know Im someone who is not worthy to love someone or even have anyone to love me back. I prayed dat he will always be living in happiness. I will put down watever dat is in the past n try to be positive and concentrate on my career cos I nv have to courage to love and be loved again.
The birthday gift dat I will always treasure...
The irony is such dat all these changes within the last 1 yr. The blog I started for him will never be read by him anymore. Yesterday, as I cleared my messy room for this festive season, I came upon something dat once touched my heart tremendously. The turmoil of emotions flushed over me as I saw the most beautiful present I have received in my life. It does not cost much but it certainly means the dearest to me cos it was done out of love by him. As I read the birthday greetings from him, my tears keep flowing. Y does it still hurt so much ? I asked the Lord. There was again silence...
As I saw this present again, it dawned upon me that Im a person who never knows how to love someone. I had hurt someone who loves me so dearly a yr ago... Though I have forgiven myself and the Lord forgiven me, but this certainly tot me dat I nv noe how to love someone. Im always demanding, quick-tempered and taking for granted the love he showered to me before. Most absurbly, I chose to let him go for a flaw dat is causing him pain too. The past is the past, it can never be re-lived. From this, I know Im someone who is not worthy to love someone or even have anyone to love me back. I prayed dat he will always be living in happiness. I will put down watever dat is in the past n try to be positive and concentrate on my career cos I nv have to courage to love and be loved again.
The birthday gift dat I will always treasure...
Monday, February 04, 2008
Going with the momentum
Recently, my life seems pretty much on track. Im completing my application for my Master of Science program. I still do not know if this course is really for me or my direction for this year should be studying. Well, Im praying that God will give me an answer. If the application is negative, then I will know I ought to re-direct my ways again. However, I get this strange joy of doing all the preparation works of my application. Maybe its cos I have always wanted to study Master for the longest time. And I get this tinge of excitment when I finally get the signature of my boss on the application. Not knowing what lies ahead, there is suddenly a thrill dat surge thru my whole body. Haha..
In addition, I also booked my 2nd driving test in May. The past failure will not deter me from getting my car license. My dream of driving my own car will definately come to past this year! I always pictured myself driving a red Honda Jazz to my way to work. So Zhai ! Haha...
Anyway, to those who is reading my blog. This is a personal space for my ownself to vent my personal feelings and emotions. If you are my ex cg members who do not know me very well, pls kindly respect my privacy by not continuing to read as sometimes I would touch on my own personal struggles in my relationships. Thanks for interest in my life. I appreciate it.
In addition, I also booked my 2nd driving test in May. The past failure will not deter me from getting my car license. My dream of driving my own car will definately come to past this year! I always pictured myself driving a red Honda Jazz to my way to work. So Zhai ! Haha...
Anyway, to those who is reading my blog. This is a personal space for my ownself to vent my personal feelings and emotions. If you are my ex cg members who do not know me very well, pls kindly respect my privacy by not continuing to read as sometimes I would touch on my own personal struggles in my relationships. Thanks for interest in my life. I appreciate it.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Lost and Found again
Believe it or not. This is the 2nd time I have lost something and by God's grace, I have found it again. Probably to some of us, this might be attributed to sheer coincidence, but I felt that God is teaching me something here.
What I have recovered this time is my beloved ipod shuffle. The one dat I lost a few weeks ago. Much to my delight and unbelief, it was actually hidden inside one of my tiny bag's pocket which I cun simply cun remember when I have put dat in. The lesson this time from God : Though I have lost something and bear some hurts over it initially, the pain somehow subsided thru time. I was ready to move on to the all new ipod nano. But right in the midst of me searching all the prices for it, all of a sudden, it appeared in my sight. I was thrilled with joy. Much more then if I have gotten a new ipod nano. Hmm.. Perhaps God is teaching me that when somethings r lost and found again, the joy that follows will always be greater than the new thing that have come to replace it. Right now, He has taught me how to treasure it even more. Though its an inexpensive little shuffle, what holds a bigger meaning to me is the tot behind it.
From this little episode, I have learnt that the past is the past. Whatever is going to happen in the future, I do not know. But... I ought to treasure whatever I have now cos this is one certainty in life u are sure with. THE PRESENT... Expect the best in the future but dun ever overlook things that are ard u. Cos u do not know when somehow or another, something dat is dear to u might be lost to u forever and then u be in regrets... Always found someone to love(family, frens, loved ones etc) in our lives, cos u nv noe when they will be gone... Im going to love my job, my frens and of cos, my dear family more tis yr !
What I have recovered this time is my beloved ipod shuffle. The one dat I lost a few weeks ago. Much to my delight and unbelief, it was actually hidden inside one of my tiny bag's pocket which I cun simply cun remember when I have put dat in. The lesson this time from God : Though I have lost something and bear some hurts over it initially, the pain somehow subsided thru time. I was ready to move on to the all new ipod nano. But right in the midst of me searching all the prices for it, all of a sudden, it appeared in my sight. I was thrilled with joy. Much more then if I have gotten a new ipod nano. Hmm.. Perhaps God is teaching me that when somethings r lost and found again, the joy that follows will always be greater than the new thing that have come to replace it. Right now, He has taught me how to treasure it even more. Though its an inexpensive little shuffle, what holds a bigger meaning to me is the tot behind it.
From this little episode, I have learnt that the past is the past. Whatever is going to happen in the future, I do not know. But... I ought to treasure whatever I have now cos this is one certainty in life u are sure with. THE PRESENT... Expect the best in the future but dun ever overlook things that are ard u. Cos u do not know when somehow or another, something dat is dear to u might be lost to u forever and then u be in regrets... Always found someone to love(family, frens, loved ones etc) in our lives, cos u nv noe when they will be gone... Im going to love my job, my frens and of cos, my dear family more tis yr !
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
The season
The season is looming or shld i say the season is here. Prior to the efforts I made for almost a yr, the feelings inevitably returns to haunt me again. Indeed, like wat my fren says, there is always a sensitive period in everyone's heart. Be it christmas, CNY, valentine or even pretty normal days like today or tmr. It can either bring joy or in my case, a ting of sadness.
Albeit trying to tell myself to be strong in the past yr, I can no longer deny to myself dat Im actually very weak. Albeit counseling others of emotional hurts caused by r/s, yet, I noe deep down I have not fully recovered. Never anticipating it will happen to me, I was suddenly been beaten by this wave of emotional upheavals dat surge my beings. Perhaps I have never ever let go almost a yr ago. I scolded myself for constantly deluding my own being. Though the constant prayer do help to lift up my spirit abit and I really thank God for the strength He hav given to me for the past yr, this seasons of imminent CNY and Valentine's day nv fail to bring me to the past of how he and I had celebrated. That horrible phone call images keep ringing in my head. Your negative answer to my question hit me to my lowest pit.
I knew I have definately decided to give up on you but y r the images still so clear in my mind ? Perhaps it is a test by God to see my determination of letting u go. Haiz.. What can I do ? Who will understand what Im going thru ? Who will ever read this blog and give me an answer to all these questions ? I prayed dat God will plant this seed of forgetfulness in me so I could forget.
And albeit feeling beaten, I knew u will be very much excited on the gifts and things u going to do for your gf. I prayed dat both of u will enjoy this season together. What I could not have given to you, I prayed dat this girl will give it to you... Be happy always.
Albeit trying to tell myself to be strong in the past yr, I can no longer deny to myself dat Im actually very weak. Albeit counseling others of emotional hurts caused by r/s, yet, I noe deep down I have not fully recovered. Never anticipating it will happen to me, I was suddenly been beaten by this wave of emotional upheavals dat surge my beings. Perhaps I have never ever let go almost a yr ago. I scolded myself for constantly deluding my own being. Though the constant prayer do help to lift up my spirit abit and I really thank God for the strength He hav given to me for the past yr, this seasons of imminent CNY and Valentine's day nv fail to bring me to the past of how he and I had celebrated. That horrible phone call images keep ringing in my head. Your negative answer to my question hit me to my lowest pit.
I knew I have definately decided to give up on you but y r the images still so clear in my mind ? Perhaps it is a test by God to see my determination of letting u go. Haiz.. What can I do ? Who will understand what Im going thru ? Who will ever read this blog and give me an answer to all these questions ? I prayed dat God will plant this seed of forgetfulness in me so I could forget.
And albeit feeling beaten, I knew u will be very much excited on the gifts and things u going to do for your gf. I prayed dat both of u will enjoy this season together. What I could not have given to you, I prayed dat this girl will give it to you... Be happy always.
Batam !
Hee... Went for a short short holiday wif my dear sammie and her bf,GS and fren, William. Both me and sammie got wild with the massage and the foot reflexology and of cos, the shopping was enough to burn a big hole on our pockets even though at such a small island as batam. We spent all the money we had on the first few hrs we reached batam and had to even ask GS (who arrived at a later ferry) to pay for all the rest of the trip.. Haha.. Sorry GS... Now, here are some photos we took :
2 Blind Girls !
GS and His Fren, William
At the hotel...
2 Blind Girls !
GS and His Fren, William
At the hotel...
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
I finally lost it...
Hmm.. Its been awhile since I last blogged. Alot of things happened along the way. Well, shall not elaborate the details here. But most importantly, I lost my beloved ipod shuffle who was given to me by someone. I liked this shuffle very much as I could go jogging with it due to its sheer small size. Well, thats just maybe the subsidiary reason that makes my heart so pain. Indeed, its time for change...
Time to change to the new ipod nano. Though with lotsa reluctance, sometimes pple gotta change. Moving on is often the word tagged along with changes. Perhaps its really time for me to move on to someone new. Though once in awhile, the owner of the shuffle still haunts my tots for awhile, but, there really is nothing much left for me to do except give my utmost blessing to him n his beloved.
And yes, that mech guy in the office is sure a temptation I cun resist at times. His jokes n jovialness never fail to lift up my dull spirit. And the constant bickerings we had nv fail to make me crave for more cos of the laughters we always burst out in. Well... but thats only a temptation.. A temptation I know I have to guard myself against.. I will allow myself no more hurts in this new year.
Time to change to the new ipod nano. Though with lotsa reluctance, sometimes pple gotta change. Moving on is often the word tagged along with changes. Perhaps its really time for me to move on to someone new. Though once in awhile, the owner of the shuffle still haunts my tots for awhile, but, there really is nothing much left for me to do except give my utmost blessing to him n his beloved.
And yes, that mech guy in the office is sure a temptation I cun resist at times. His jokes n jovialness never fail to lift up my dull spirit. And the constant bickerings we had nv fail to make me crave for more cos of the laughters we always burst out in. Well... but thats only a temptation.. A temptation I know I have to guard myself against.. I will allow myself no more hurts in this new year.
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Happie New Year 2008 !
Happie New Year 2008 ! Im so glad to be saying goodbye to 2007... Indeed, 2007 is a year full of challenges for me. Like what the bible says, the best is yet to come. Im anticipating 2008 to be the best year ahead. Away will be the bad pasts of 2007 and from this day onwards, Im going to embrace 2008 with a brand new attitude towards my career, family, frens, and loved ones too.
Though 2007 has a really tough year (I did something dat was so wrong to somebody n cost immense hurt to dat someone I once love the most and of cos, I bore dat responsibility of losing him forever now to somebody new at work), I will chose to hold these as lessons learnt and indeed 2008 will be a time for me to forget all those n embrace new things. I also thank God dat during these most difficult times, God has changed me so much from being a very difficult person ( temperamental, emotional being) to someone now who has really learnt to not flare up at the slightest things. Maybe dats the evidence dat the Holy Spirit is so real to me as He brings His peace n calmness in my life. In the year ahead, I wanna love my mom and dad more. Of cos, I wanna begin to fly to places I had been dreaming about. Im so excited dat 2008 is here and indeed, I sincerely believed it will be the greatest year ahead for my life !
Though 2007 has a really tough year (I did something dat was so wrong to somebody n cost immense hurt to dat someone I once love the most and of cos, I bore dat responsibility of losing him forever now to somebody new at work), I will chose to hold these as lessons learnt and indeed 2008 will be a time for me to forget all those n embrace new things. I also thank God dat during these most difficult times, God has changed me so much from being a very difficult person ( temperamental, emotional being) to someone now who has really learnt to not flare up at the slightest things. Maybe dats the evidence dat the Holy Spirit is so real to me as He brings His peace n calmness in my life. In the year ahead, I wanna love my mom and dad more. Of cos, I wanna begin to fly to places I had been dreaming about. Im so excited dat 2008 is here and indeed, I sincerely believed it will be the greatest year ahead for my life !
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)