没有你的日子 第7天

Its about a week since dat awful day. The day started out as bad as last nite's alcohol and sleeplessness make me abit needy and cranky. Cun stop myself from wanting to meet u and pass u our stuffs. Though I know u r probably too busy, I still cun stop myself and msg u. Something is really wrong with me... Though u said u r busy, yet somehow or another, i still wanna try my luck. Once again, this is the very reason why u disliked abt me.

Talking about some happy stuffs. My dad looks definately much better today and is able to sit up and talk and eat. Was very touched when my cg actually came and visit. They brought fruits and essence of chicken. My dad was really touched. It still feels good to have the cg loves me as always. Though now i am bizarre about wat love really means. Still, wanna thank God for the love and care shown to me by my cg.

Today, i actually tot abt wat u said to me last nite and went about did some thinking. I guess at the age of 25, im still a failure in my finances. The debts i built up seem endless and im constantly tired by it. I should really do wat u asked me to do. To strive and build up my own career and finances. Yes, i wanna do dat. Especially for myself and my family... Still miss u at different parts of the day but thank God u still ans my sms and know dat Im not been pushed aside. I like the phrase : ' smile and the world smile with u." Hope it really works for u and me.

没有你的日子 第6天

Tonite is the wedding of one of our own colleague. I went with my colleagues for the whole solemnization ceremony. It was abit chaotic but nonetheless beautiful. At that moment, I tot of u. It dawned on me that in the past, i always wanted a perfect wedding e.g church wedding, beautiful diamond ring etc. Tonite i realise dat all these does not matter, the only thing dat matters is who is the one standing beside me. The one dat will truly love u and be secured with u the rest of ur life. It doesnt matter how beautiful ur wedding might be, its the one whom u get married dat matters.

On the way home, I had too much to drink and henceforth, u need to pacify me. U told me about ur life story. As i sat there listening, I was amazed at how far u actually tot. Like what u said, I knew everything u said but nv did practise much. I do try but when circumstances came in, i sinked into my own realm of self pity again. U said something like, alot of pple will regret after they have lose their precious one. This pt i strongly agree. But might not be referring to my dad. I never knew how to treasure u in the past. Honestly, I always compared u to my ex. Why u dun have this and dun have dat ? Somehow or another, it make life really difficult for us cos of my constant comparison. Im sorry... If i ever do have a chance, I would want everything to be re-do again. But its too late... This is truly an example of regreting once u have lost someone. No longer will I be hostile again or needy anymore... All i ever wanted is just an extra moment with u, hoping dat u will not push me aside.

Simply tired

Simply too tired.... Dun wish to struggle anymore... Can God give me back my happy moments ?

My frens always tell me God has something great in store for you when He allows u to go thru valleys in life. I tried to believe that at times but when situations happened, i doubted it too. Im only human... Sometimes I really need a shoulder to cry on, but 6 mths ago when i faced my breakup, the shoulder who was there for me to lean on is no longer here anymore. Where can I laid my head at ? Perhaps God is telling me dat i ought to be more independent cos if there's any circumstances, there really will be no one by ur side. I have learnt dat no matter how difficult the situation is, i can control my tears from falling. But sometimes its really difficult, cos they will fall inevitably. Who else will understand wat im going thru ?

Will still try to remain positive... if possible... but its so difficult...

Letting Go

Letting go is never an easy thing. Esp one has put in time, love and energy into it. I have to learn to let go. Letting go of the happiness we once had and the joy and laughter we once shared too. I will choose to remain silent and instead of walking beside him hand in hand, i will choose to walk behind him quietly. So that i can jus follow close behind and whenever he falls, I will still be able to give him the support. Whenever he is dull or unhappy, i can choose to bring smiles into his life. Just hoping that one day he will turn n look at me once again.

No longer will I bother him with the things of life but will choose to remain positive for him. Always praying to God abt his studies n his careers n of cos, his family too. And most importantly, he will always be healthy and strong and being happy all the rest of his life. Will prayed to God abt journey mercy on his 2 wheeled vehicle especially so that his life will always be blessed.

Stitching up the heart

Recently I have been writing a series of negative blogs. Think many of you might wonder what has become of me. Well, maybe not many... but jus 1 or 2 of you.

Let me just start my very own spate of events. Recently, alot of things did happened to me. Mostly unhappy ones... Yes.. u r rite. Mostly relationships problems. Anyway, all these thingys left my heart still bleeding profusely.. I really dun understand how I came to this stage. A few days ago, I went into a depression just like 4 yrs ago. I dunno if I have come out of it but certainly it got better after I went for the combined cg on thurs. The depression, of cos, led me to even think of doing something stupid.. Something really stupid... I almost wanted to rush out of a road hoping to get killed. But I did not... Probably Im just too afraid of going to hell if I do that. Anyway, thru this period, God is good. He send someone along to open me up. She is none other than someone I know during my good fren's wedding. A stranger at first, but now a good fren of mine at my needy period.

Perhaps all these happens for a reason. And I do not know when it will ends cos my pillow still dripping wet from my tears at nite but certainly, i do hope it will. Just like 4 yrs ago, God picked me up from the valley, I trust that He will do so again.

....

One dagger, 2 daggers, 3 daggers.... piercing thru my heart...
I dunno how Im going to heal or do not know if im ever gonna get healed..
Tears dried n time clicked by. Can the time really be stopped and return back to the past ?
Laughter seemed so far away and happiness forever gone... Where is the peace dat is supposed to be there ?
Loneliness seem to creep onto me like never before. I can only pray to God to take all these away. Wat else is left to do ?

Something to think about

Last nite, Bro nick shared abt his life without limbs. Hmm.. Really, I was so blessed by wat he said. He is someone borned without arms and legs; something which many of us will take it for granted. But yet, his life is not as what his parents will hopefully think it was. He is born without arms and legs.

Throughout the whole sermon he taught, something he shared really inspired and touched my heart. Looking at his life, he ought to be someone dat is depressive but however, he never think much abt his circumstances and even complained much. He chose to smile in spite of his circumstances. He shared something too. Fear and guilt are the 2 things that will really pull us back in life. Fear of rejection, failure are the 2 barriers that we might have before we did something. And i realise most of all, guilt is something we cun progress much further too. Bro nick asked us to pray during the svc to forgive those who ought to be forgiven and asking God to forgive us too.

This really draws me to think about something too. A few mths ago, i did something that I have regrets on. I have hurt one of the most impt person in my life. The guilt relentlessly pounded on me for mths and something which i will not forget abt. I really hoped he can forgive me. Though im a lousy person, i really do need this forgiveness from dat person. I do not know whether he will read this but Im asking Heavenly Father to allow him to. So that I can once again regained the r/s we had. Im sorry, can u forgive me ?

Dripping...

My heart is bleeding... dripping dry... some memories forever hanging there...Tried to push it away, but will always end up in tears. The regret I have will always haunt me. Who then can understand all these that is within me ?

The Best is yet to come

The best is yet to come is something my church always teaches us about. This is indeed a way to remain positive and to trust wholeheartedly onto God's promises. A colleague recently Im someone who is always reflect negative tots abt pple or work. Well, in a way I agree with him to a certain extent. In work, i try very hard to remain positive on the position I held but somehow or another, environmental factors always cast a negative mindset I have. Its really hard to believe at times abt "the best is yet to come"...

Well, I do try to remain positive in my own personal r/s wif pple. But a fren once told me that I always choose to think in a negative way when things happen. I seriously dunno wat is wrong with me. First, emotional, 2nd, negative... No positive traits..
Even if u are reading this blog, u will feel dat i exude a sense of negativity with me. Dats cos im trying to come out of it and remain positive though past hurts or wounds r trying to tear itself out from my heart and try to consume unto it. I could only pray hard to Jesus every nite to take away emotions or hurts dat are wrong if it is not according to His plan. In a more positive tones, hurts or wounds are there jus so we can grow closer n more mature to Him...