Surprised

We celebrated ah seet's bdae last nite. It was hell of a great nite out ! I love hanging out with the girls. But yet, what surprised me was the revelation that my fren actually told me she was going thru very hard times. I have always tot they were the perfect couple. Pretty, smart, fervent christians they both were. They both have a great career and future together. They both were so in love with each other since young.

But yet alot of times, it was not so.. Communication breakdown.. All these just lead me to think.. Even such a "perfect" Christian couple cannot go thru the storm together. What makes me tink i can actually find someone who can love me till the end? My heart went cold at the very tot. Maybe there is no forever.. I really do not dare to tink. Is God actually making us stronger by allowing us to go thru so much obstacles ? But.. isnt there another way ? I couldnt fathom.

The recent breakup is enough to make me so afraid of r/s that I dun tink i wanna try anymore. What if I meet another one that is just like him ? What if this time it could have gotten so much worst as we r married ? What if this guy cannot give me a forever? Or what if I cannot give him a forever too ? All those what ifs are enough to really have second tots abt all these.. Why not just spend the effort to gain knowledge and love the ones ard us.. In this world, there are other things beside love r/s.

I do not want to go out wif you alone anymore

"I dun wan to go out with u alone anymore.." dats the sentence he told me straight to my face.

Again, unknowingly, my eyes were wet with the tears that welled up. I have anticipated all these but yet uncontrollably, the tears just flowed. We argued... but wats the point ? He wun understand and he wun take any effort to anyway. That sentence felt like a tight slap to my face. Good frens, he claimed... Does good frens only exist in theory ? Does good frens (according to his definition) can be survived through no quality time at all ? I seriously think if pple just dun wan to mit you alone just means they already are afraid or just simply dislike being alone wif u, den i found it no point to say they r frens at all. Cos it will just be fake frenship in name.

He claimed dat i dun understand him. But does he ? Why is he once again so selfish n only thinks about himself ? I just feel so exasperated. And Im really thankful for my dear frens, jane n john who took so much effort to show me wats real frenship. And of cos my BB drove me ard in his bike which i think is really good for healing. Thank God for such wonderful frens in my life. These are what I really termed, "good frens" who stood by u thru thick and thin.. Not just some hypocrites who doesnt like being with you alone no matter wat..

Bintan 2009

As I stepped on the shore of Bintan, I cannot helped but thought about him again. 2 yrs ago, I have been on the same island with him. At that time, it was also the season I have been unfaithful, being my heart already liking someone else while I went on this trip with him. That was the end of our r/s.

After 2 yrs, I was surprised this place looks similar to what it has been 2 yrs ago. Same pool, same deco etc. Except this time, I was with my colleagues. We had ATV, massage, swimming etc. It was fun but however, my heart was kinda empty. I couldnt understand why. Was it cos of him ? or was it cos I was at the same time still healing from DQ ? I couldnt fathom where it came from except maybe it was a sunday. (sunday being the day I tink i will be the most emo cos Im alone at home.) I was really surprised dat I tot abt him even though it was so long ago and recent breakup from DQ should be on my mind instead of him. Well, I think I can only once again silently keep tis little secret within me cos its kinda embarrassing and others wun understand. Wun understand y i still think abt him when its so long ago. Seriously, its not a matter how long its over, its about what I called the sweetest memories of my life.

27+

At the age of 27, one would have acheived much in their lives. Be it having a family, or bf or finances or even career... However, I acheived none in either one of the above category. Depressed, Defeated are the constant words I used on myself nowadays. No one would probably understand wat it means to be getting older and poorer at the same time. But I do...

Not only i lost a r/s 1 mth ago, but cos of that, my finances are dropping to the red line too. In addition, my position in the company is extremely dangerous too. Disheartened, I no longer feel the motivation to work. In the past, I have felt passion and zest for the work that I do. Sometimes even pride too. However, knowing that everyone is leaving soon and Im left behind is a feeling dat is just not so rite. The loneliness crept in.. But who can I really tell it to ? Pple will tink that im just self-pitying again. That ex bf on mine in the company nowadays will just ask me to smile... no longer care abt how I feel anymore.

Does God really understand the pain and sufferings Im going thru ? Why doesnt He answer then ? Is it He has given up hope on me who has let Him down time and again ? Does God knows Im not happy working where I am now ? Does God knows that Im simply trapped there cos I have no way out ? Does He understands that its painful to see someone u love so deeply once hurt u time and again ? Does He really know ???